Saturday, December 17, 2005


Someday, little children, soon, I will be going to a land far, far away, with no electricity, indoor plumbing, or internet access...a land that smells of beer and sawdust...a land called "Texas."


...so I hope to give you enough jackoff material to tide you over until my return (or imminent demise) from this fearful place. I hope it won't be long.

To this end, the bashful and demure Toxic Twat (who came to us through that even more blushing, shrinking violet, Nugget Maven) reminded me of the beloved Pornolizer, so I just had to go and chuck some Xmas carols through it. You know how much I love Xmas (horrid clanging) carols. Also, I am lazy and immature.

Here are some of the best corruptions:

The "Sniff-my-Ass" Twelve Fucks of Christmas, also known as The "Son of a Whore" Twelve Muff Sniffs of Cuntlicks, don'tcha know:

My true love gave to me:
Two turtle doves,
and a partridge in a titty fucking pear tree. Now that's useful-!

On the third day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me:
Three french hens,
Two turtle cuntlicks,
and a sex fighting partridge in a pear tree. Everybody was pigeon sex-fighting...

Six geese a-aardvarking, "Aardvark" is a bad word? This is news to me.
Five golden cocksucks! Update: now the turtles are sex-fighting.

On the felching seventh day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me:
Seven sucks a-thrusting,
Six geese a-fucking,
Five golden sex fights! I am so glad there is now a word for what I do with certain men.
Four browning fingerfucks, OH...!!!
Three French fucks,
Two turtle doves,
and a entering partridge in a dripping pear tree.

Four calling unclefucks... (!!!) Doesn't everybody have a dirty uncle, though...?

Eight spews a-smooching,
Seven barfs a-swimming,
Six geese a-dripping, OK. This is getting too graphic for me now. Let's move on to the next carol, shall we...?

Two turtle felchs, (Shouldn't that be "felches"?)

Eight ballbusts a-milking... I said, NEXT-!

Eleven pipers wad pulling... Um, why are they still here?
Ten lords a-sucking,
Nine ladies asslicking,
Eight maids a-cuntlapping,
Seven licks a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Four creaming birds,
Three French bims,
Two turtle farts,
and a partridge in an ass tree.

On the jerking twelfth day of Christmas,
My true love gave to me:
Twelve drummers aardvarking That's it. I'm leaving.
Eleven wanks a-smooching,
Ten assfucks leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight dicksmacks a-milking,
Seven fistfucks a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Four call girls,
Three French balls,
Two turtle asswhacks,
and a partridge in a wanking pear tree. PEAR TREES DO NOT WHACK OFF...!!!

Fuck this. I'll finish tomorrow. All this horny poultry and plant sex is pissing me off.


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