Thursday, August 31, 2006


I am currently experiencing multiple crises on multiple levels, so instead of fixing my life, I spent the evening watching television.

In between hating how every show on FOX has adopted House's visual of CGI-zooming inside/outside/to the molecular level/under/back/forward in time, just because they can, and/or their writers are too lazy to explain what really happened by, oh, I don't know - writing? - drove me up the wall (especially during Bones - don't think they did that last season, and now it's just weird), I got my irritation on with the car commercials. Yeah, it's a hobby.

In Texas, it's the truck commercials. There is a whole slew of "Just the Good Ole' Boys"-themed giant-ass unnecessary pickup spots on at all times, with country lyrics changed accordingly to sing the praises of your Chevy or Ford.

Not so out West...uh, Left. The commercials are most decidedly metrosexual-bordering-on-all-out-gay.

I was still reeling from estrogen-heavy spots like the Nissan Whatsit (Infinity?) driving through what appears to be a CGI forest of menstrual blood...oh, wait. I get it. It's supposed to be the Red Sea parting for this car. Big whoop. I still don't want to buy it. As if I were in the market for any such commodity.

Now there's this obnoxious-assed Ford commercial featuring the guy from American Idol. Yeah, I get it. He has gray hair. While I am semi-happy that Whatshisnuts won over another Britney clone, I am not thrilled that he is now singing some dumbass corporate-dick rock song called "Possibilities" (wtf?) while shaking his finger, naughty, naughty, naughty, in my face. Didn't his mama ever tole' him that it's rude to point...?

Sheezus cripes.

Then there's Honda's "Mr. Opportunity," who is slightly effeminate and has very long, slender fingers which he uses often to gesture at the cars with as much grace and charm as a geisha in the Miss Universe of Handjobs pageant. Dude creeps me out.

As if The Car Mascot Wars could get any worse, there is now the thoroughly unlikable "Dr. Z". What with the German accent so thick it is practically unintelligible, the thick, stupid moustache (what is it with guys his age and their mustaches?) and his general lack of social skills, I am finding it hard to understand what there is to like about this guy. Dr. Z is a prick. Although I do prefer him to that guy with the (let's pray that it's a wig) mullet and no lips who keeps yelling "HEMI®" and "fuel-saving MDS!" I hate that white-trash guy, he reminds me of what would happen if my family kept inbreeding.

At least, since they're still running the Volks commercials with the stunt drivers/inane conversation/real car crash, I have learned to anticipate, hell. I enjoy those annoying chipmunk-cheeked, "like"-overusing people getting smashed now. I look forward to it.

This is the least they deserved for the stupidity of the banter they were having when they should have been driving. Besides, what kind of shitty driver turns and looks at the person next to them when their eyes should be on the road?

The thing that makes me sad now is when they don't die.


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