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Wednesday, May 30, 2007

THE ANNIVERSARY OF SHIT HAPPENING 

Reasons why today sucks BALLS:

1) A very colorful person died today, a karaoke queen. For no goddamn good reason (cancer). I am not linking to her MySpace page because that would be just wrong. Anyway, while she was alive I made fun of her and I'm sorry, but it does suck when people are no longer around to make fun of. (Except Paris Hilton, no one should miss her.)

2) Zippy died a year ago today, and yes, I am still very much a basket case, blubbering along to John Denver/Neil Diamond/Journey (and worse) ballads over my dead cat, who will be buried with me (like #1's), and whose ashes are currently resting in my underwear drawer, because SOMEONE (Cranky) hasn't finished his real final resting place/urn, and because otherwise Beeker kept rolling around on the floor with his little container. I can only imagine what the dog would do if she got ahold of them. This is warped.

3) I have to adopt out this kitten, but with e-mails like this, I would rather just keep her:

We need a kitten that is very gentle and if put on her back will go limp and not squirm. I have two daughters 5 1/2 who are looking for someone to love and cuddle and I need a kitten that will be gentle and patient with them.

Massive Bitchface from Hell
Sr. Claims Examiner


I mean, what the hell?! It's a KITTEN, not a claims examiner. Why do these people even want animals? Real animals bite and scratch and yes, sometimes even wiggle when provoked...
Why don't they get a possum? Or a stuffed one?!

Not to mention that the callers from that news clip were all flaky, or crazy, or 87 years old, or 12 years old, or had pit bulls. JESUS. I don't think I'm cut out for this crap.

Besides, the dog really, really wants her, they love to play, and even when separated, they play footsie under the door. It is kill, kill, KILLING me. I am powerless in the face of anything this cute, but have to stop getting pets for my other pets-! Sheezus.

NO MORE DEATH!! Or kittens. OK.

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THE ANNIVERSARY OF SHIT HAPPENING

Saturday, May 26, 2007

I LIKE BEVERAGES. 

Some of my current fixations, though there are many:

1) Veuve Clicquot. I have not actually tried this, but my boss makes me buy it for work all the time. I think I will have to haul off and get some for myself, and/or skip town with his Client Meals card. Because it is really kind of creepy having to sign my first initial, plus his last name, like I am his freakin' wife or something.

(I ain't ironing his underwear. Gotta draw the line somewhere, even if I am his right hand. And you know what guys do with that.)

2) More in-my-budget-wise, this wine. If you can get past the foot on the label (I have issues with feet), both the red and the white are quite tasty. The cab describes itself as a "jammy" wine...mmm, jammy wine, sweet without being too Manischevitzy. Although I like that too. I'm no snob.

3) What the hell? If this isn't another feeble attempt at being pseudo-healthy, I don't know what is. My boss says it tastes "different". I think that means bad. Coke Plus...kind of like the dumb club kid who seriously thinks switching from rum and Cokes to screwdrivers constitues being on a health kick.

4) Mint Water. Going down, feels like a reverse enema. Please do not ask me how I know this. My favorites are the regular Peppermint and the Orange Mint. The Lemon Mint is good, too, but just kind of tastes like iced tea without the tea. Also makes a mean mojito, because I can only discuss non-alcoholic drinks for so long before I go around dumping rum in them.

5) I know, I know. Sparks, it's at your neighborhood Indian grocery, right next to the Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill and the Night Train (which I didn't know was an actual beverage; I thought it was just an especially screechy Guns 'n Roses song). The sticker on the can stating You Must Be 21 is a dead giveaway that this is targeted for underage drinkers - hell, even the website suspects you're jailbait. Maybe, like Red Bull + vodka, it just reminds me of being younger and more fun, when I used to work late on film sets, date male models and otherwise behave irresponsibly. Maybe it's the fact that it causes heart palpitations due to its sketchy combo of caffeine + cheap malt liquor, and that it tastes like an Orange Julius (do they still make those? Mmmm, mall food nostalgia) after it's been left out in the sun or under a bridge for a week.

By the way, don't ever sniff Red Bull. It may taste fruity, but it smells exactly like pyook.

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I LIKE BEVERAGES.

Friday, May 18, 2007

THE EVOLUTION OF TULIP 

So far, the doggie has just a few nicknames:

Tulip ---->
To Leap ---->
Tool Hip ---->
!@#$%!! BAD DOG-!!!--->
Two-Lip ---->
Stink Weasel --->
Stench Blossom --->
THE ƜBERKITTY

Not bad for going on 2 weeks, no?

She is lots of laughs. Her bestest games are False Start/Run in Circles/Fake Bite Fight. Fake Bite Fight is her favorite, followed by Hide and Go Pee...but she's gotten MUCH better about that.

I have specifically trained her to mess ONLY outdoors...and on pictures of Paris Hilton.

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THE EVOLUTION OF TULIP

Saturday, May 12, 2007

I HAS A PUPPY 

Well, she's not a puppy...she's an owner surrender from the Carson pound:


I think the woman who was stalking her (calling us 40x a day) might have cheezed off the woman in charge of the rescue. Meanwhile, I was only supposed to be fostering her, but we were both obviously attached & she was all, DO YOU WANT HER, YES OR NO?! Being out of my mind for various reasons (not excluding extreme cuteness), I said YES. So I got the OK from my landlady and all is well in dog/cat/hamsterville, except now my Iddy Biddy is in the hospital again :(

(Non-dog related...actually, they love each other. The pooch licks his little runny eyes/nose and cleans his ears and etc. I don't know whether to be touched or just really, really grossed out.)

Also, Kat was right...my cat boxes have never been so clean...not because I let her eat the cat candy/Almond Roca; because I have to scoop them 40x a day so that she doesn't.

She sleeps under my desk all day:

...and barks at my boss, who encourages it, and at the Vice President, who does not like dogs. Good one, brainiac...but he never comes out of his office, so it's OK.

Here she is playing "doctor" with the other dogs at work:

LOVE WHORE

Shameless, isn't she?

Now if I could only get her (almost) identical sister adopted, too...they are adorable together (don't worry - I'm crazy, but I'm not that crazy.) She is virtually the same dog, but with floppy ears and longer hair.

Perhaps we should shave her, splint her ears so they stand up, and mail her to the obsessive stalker woman?!

Wait, bad idea.

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I HAS A PUPPY

Saturday, May 05, 2007

I GOT, GOT, GOT, GOT NO TIME 

Pee-lots season almost over...after next week, will be almost halfway coherent!!

Trouble is:

1) Does a groomer from PetSmart really have a better home for small dog than I can provide? What if she breaks up with her boyfriend - would that leave foster doggie in the lurch? Can a dog groomer really provide for herself + a dog? Enquiring minds want to know.

1.5) I hate people with live-in boyfriends. This dog I'm fostering needs to be on
the bed. She spoons all night, people. Why do people with boyfriends
need a dog - wouldn't the boyfriend just get in the way?!

2) I guess my real question would be, how old is she. Because is she is 22 or under, no f--ing way is she taking that dog...they'll break up for sure.

3) I really, really, fucking hate Santa Clarita. It is hell hot + ugly. If
they owned a home together, maybe it'd be a different story. But an
apt?! In fucking Santa Clarita?! What's the point of living in fucking hell hot + ugly Santa Clarita if not to have a house? I don't get it.

4) In the course of my foster doggie-ing, I have come across some pretty funny/sad dog stories. Note: I hate sad animal stories. But after my foster dog attempted to roll in/eat a dead cat which I'd been too upset to even drive by for 2+ weeks, the following are too sad/funny not to be seen (from my friend from up the coast). She went to the beach, and:

a) Her dog rolled in a dead seal.

b) Her dog went into a whale. With three other dogs. It was the grossest thing ever.

Thanks for listening,
Psycho Dog/Cat/Hamster Girl.

"When you get a partridge in a pear tree, that's it." -Cranky

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I GOT, GOT, GOT, GOT NO TIME

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