Tuesday, February 17, 2004
V-DAY DISASTER
2/14/04. Another Valentine's Day massacre. Miraculously, no one was killed.
Oh man. I don't think I can talk about this. It's too soon.
But for future reference...
WHAT NOT TO DO ON VALENTINE'S DAY
in case you have a penis:
Suffice it to say, dragging your current pseudo-semi-somewhat-former
Valentine to an obnoxious party consisting of your ex-girlfriend (Fetal Alcohol
Syndrome Head) and your current de facto girlfriend's ex-boyfriend's
ex-girlfriend (Hottie Except for Sad Butt and Lazy Eye) is a very bad idea.
It is also ill-advised, non-romantic, and will not result in booty.
Also, introducing your current flame, however dim, as your "friend" all night is terribly gauche and will only exacerbate your VD rash of heart-shaped hives.
The carnage ensues.
Stabbily,
Pissed.
P.S. For future reference, men, let it be known that meat does not equal a
present. You do not see pre-Valentine's commercials that say, "she'll love
your meat!", do you? You do not see florists printing ads that tout, "SAY
IT WITH MEAT!"
Meat is not a gift item (take that, Hickory Farms! You nasty purveyors of shrink-wrapped sausage and cheese! No one is happy to get that, except maybe the homeless!) It is not even considered food by some people. Especially not a lapsed vegetarian.
Meat does not equal love. It equals a bloody portion of a violently deceased bovine.
In addition, excessive amounts of alcohol and/or ex-girlfriends ensure that your other meat won't be getting any love, either.
CHEESY AFTERMATH
I have to amend my Hickory Farms rant by saying that they can't be all bad - they are having a celebration of cheese!
I think I'm going out to buy my own goddamned box of chocolates. Any recommendations?
Tell me something good and I will refrain from making jokes about the dozen luscious black men in my box. Besides, that's just wishful thinking - and proof that I've been watching too much SEX AND THE SHITTY. Which would also explain some things...
V-DAY DISASTEROh man. I don't think I can talk about this. It's too soon.
But for future reference...
WHAT NOT TO DO ON VALENTINE'S DAY
in case you have a penis:
Suffice it to say, dragging your current pseudo-semi-somewhat-former
Valentine to an obnoxious party consisting of your ex-girlfriend (Fetal Alcohol
Syndrome Head) and your current de facto girlfriend's ex-boyfriend's
ex-girlfriend (Hottie Except for Sad Butt and Lazy Eye) is a very bad idea.
It is also ill-advised, non-romantic, and will not result in booty.
Also, introducing your current flame, however dim, as your "friend" all night is terribly gauche and will only exacerbate your VD rash of heart-shaped hives.
The carnage ensues.
Stabbily,
Pissed.
P.S. For future reference, men, let it be known that meat does not equal a
present. You do not see pre-Valentine's commercials that say, "she'll love
your meat!", do you? You do not see florists printing ads that tout, "SAY
IT WITH MEAT!"
Meat is not a gift item (take that, Hickory Farms! You nasty purveyors of shrink-wrapped sausage and cheese! No one is happy to get that, except maybe the homeless!) It is not even considered food by some people. Especially not a lapsed vegetarian.
Meat does not equal love. It equals a bloody portion of a violently deceased bovine.
In addition, excessive amounts of alcohol and/or ex-girlfriends ensure that your other meat won't be getting any love, either.
CHEESY AFTERMATH
I have to amend my Hickory Farms rant by saying that they can't be all bad - they are having a celebration of cheese!
I think I'm going out to buy my own goddamned box of chocolates. Any recommendations?
Tell me something good and I will refrain from making jokes about the dozen luscious black men in my box. Besides, that's just wishful thinking - and proof that I've been watching too much SEX AND THE SHITTY. Which would also explain some things...
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