Wednesday, June 02, 2004


I am disturbed.
But you already knew that.

The reason I am more mental than usual are these dolls.

No, not as in "Valley of The".
No, not voodoo dolls, although that would be a good use for them.

I am sitting here looking at The Hollywood Reporter, which is all full of industry bullcrap and self-congratulation and ass-felching. But that's not unusual. What is slightly bizarre is that there are dolls on the cover.

And not just any dolls, but four underage BIMBOS.

The bimbos of which I speak are called BRATZ. They look like severely slutty anorexic jailbait Barbies with plastic surgery that are wanna-be starfuckers and crack whores for money.

Ironically, the, or should I say, da, BRATZ are being publicized as "the anti-Barbie". Excuse me, but if anything these slut-dollies are even worse than that WASPy bitch, Barbie.

For starters, at least Barbie has a nose. These Stripperella-looking things don't even have a nub. They're practically anime, except without the culture. They've got huge-ass Spamela Anderson lips, which extend up to where their nose should be, and Li'l Kim zip-off hairpieces. They're urban, they're trashy, they're nasty-ass ghetto dolls.

They're supposed to be "multicultural", but who can tell? They are totally identical in features, shape and size. Except for slight variations in color (mostly hair color), you can't tell them apart.

No wonder they are so popular with teen and tween actresses today - they all look the same. The Jessica Albas, Hilary Duffs, Mary-Kate and Ashleys, Tara Reids, Jessica Simpsons, Christina Aguileras, and Jennifer Love Hewitts of the world...who can tell them apart, either?!

They should maybe stop sharing the same needle, er, cosmetics. Or perhaps they're passing around the same bottle of peroxide, and/or the same funky Slut-In-A-Can tan action going on - and you can't wash off skank.

Yikes. I am afraid of these too-big-for-their-britches girls and their skanky little dolls!

Apparently, the "BRATZ phenomenon" and "the BRATZ lifestyle" are taking the country by storm. Like these scary club kids are good role models for girls (ages 7-14). Like Paris Hilton, they are...! Just like Paris, Bratz accessorize with Backstreet Boys and overbred, "fashion friendly" pets - great, they can make coats out of them when they are no longer trendy enough. And a handbag from their Backstreet boyfriend.

The fickle, fashionista-whore dolls even have swanky, skanky playsets that cost upwards of $100 and include hip-hop clubs with their own runways and sushi bars.

But do they come with their own mini-fake IDs and mini-drug dependencies? Their own mini-prescriptions for Vicodin and date-rape therapy bills and mini-cell phones with speed-dial to their mini-agencies, which book them for mini-photo shoots for BARELY LEGAL? Their own mini-coke spoons and ANAL-EZE? Their own mini-sleazy club owners named Flavio, who wear Speedos in the hot tub and hit on the BRATZ while hand-feeding them coke?! Their own mini-flavored lubed condoms?! Their own mini-genital warts?! Well...maybe they should.

Long gone are the days when my best friend had a flat-chested, plain 'ol fashion doll she called "Stick". Stick often wore nothing and laid around spread-eagled, but that was good clean fun. Or when your sister would try to comb her Barbie Styling Head's hair, and its whole head would fall off. Nothing wrong with a good old-fashioned dead Barbie. Or my own Black Barbie, that came with a pick in its 'fro. Still, my Solid Gold Barbie was classy by comparison - the BRATZ look like miscreants and gangbangers next to her.

What the hell are these kids' parents thinking letting them tote around these snotty, superifical little slutcicles? Why don't they just buy them Betty Ford getaways and sex toys already and get it over with?!

I will say one thing for the dolls, though. They don't appear to have toes. Meaning less of a chance they'll come out with the Bratz Valley Foot Fetish Fun Lesbian Porn Action Playset. However, there is a high probability you will catch your BRATZ with the Snoop Dogg Doll, flashing 'n filming a mini-Girls Gone Wild.

I guess the only real redeeming value to these dolls (besides their extremely gay boyfriends) is that they don't have double-D boobs. Otherwise, you might as well just hand your little girl a gift certificate for the plastic surgery.

Maybe you can get a package deal, since she's already getting massive collagen implants & her nose removed when she turns 16, so she can "be like Bratz".

Me, I'm just going to sit here and pray for a son.
A gay son.


This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?