Tuesday, June 08, 2004


The Pissed Kitty.com - your #1 source for bad porn reviews.

Why is it that I say "porn" and you all come out of the woodwork...?


Anyway, I have been erm...screening said porn. You know. For objectionable content.

I found plenty of it. There are some problems here, friends. Some things that should never happen, let alone be depicted on the silver screen (or even a 4-inch monitor.)

I speak of the unspeakable.


This should be cut out of all porn immediately, or confined to foot fetishist crap.

The following sex (?!) acts also never happen in real life. Or if they do, they should stop immediately:

    Making Porn Faces - even your mother could tell you were faking.
    Women Who Lick Their Own Nipples - this is just silly.
    Showing Lots of Spit "Streamers" - this is gross. And I can't believe there's an industry term for it.
    Fellating a Dildo - it can't feel anything. Morons.
    Pretending You Are Happy to Find Your Partner with Another Woman/Man/Both - in real life, you spray them with a hose, or bullets.
    Pretending You Are Happy to Have Spooge Sprayed in Your Hair or Face - bullshit! No wonder there are so many bad lays out there.

    I hold this shit responsible.

Also, no wonder there is so much infidelity and bullshit going around. And so many dead porn stars.

No, but really. The following is a brief synopsis of one of these so-called adult films entitled The Mobster's Wife.

First of all, this is one of those damn porns where they attempt to have any plot whatsoever - perhaps because the porn "stars" have convinced themselves that they can act? Fortunately, someone or something (El Pervvo?) has gotten rid of the sound and with it, the dialogue.


Unfortunately, I could kind of still tell what was going on, which was too much dead air between f***ing.

Basically, there is this mobster, right? You can tell because he's wearing pinstripes.

Anyway, he and two of his cronies, also wearing pinstripes, go to this industrial warehouse. 'Cuz that's where mobsters go.

There, they find a moll. Also wearing pinstripes. So they fuck her.

During this activity, a chick, who I'm assuming is the famed mobster's wife, shows up. They don't fuck her. That's because she's his wife.

They never fuck their own wives.

But he gets his later, when his wife fucks everyone in the entire cast and crew, including the dolly grip.

In between that erm, development, the "plot" takes a twist when the mobster runs off with two naked, shaved French maids.

I'm pretty sure at least one of them is underage.

Oh, and the moll? Worst boob job ever.

One of her nipples is pointing this way ---->
    the other points thisaway <----- and a little to the south.

No, wait. East. Southeast.

Unless there's a stiff wind.

I can always tell when it's a boob job because when the chick bends over, you see her implants crease like a baggie full of chicken fat.

But they fuck her anyway. With a black, double-sided dildo.

Apparently she couldn't go back, because she ends up with the black guy. And the wife. And the French maids.

And they all live happily ever after, or until they o.d., commit suicide, and/or ram their Camaros into a tree.

I give it two d**cks down
and a premature ejaculation.

The End.


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