Thursday, October 28, 2004
I needed to order some replacement parts for my cheap mofo-furniture, so I went to the IKEA website. Got the number for my local store. Dialed it. Got a busy signal.
The website said, why not ask Anna the question before hitting their overburdened phone lines...? Okay.
So I hit up this redheaded chick Anna. She's kind of cute, in a Miranda kind of way, except she keeps flashing this shit-eating grin every so often, like a total spaz. But I figure it's worth a shot, anyway.
ANNA: Welcome to IKEA. I'm Anna, IKEA USA's Online Assistant. You can ask me about IKEA and our products and our services. I'll answer your questions, sometimes opening up relevant web pages along the way. Your inputs will be used to improve and expand my knowledge base. Thanks very much.
PISSER: Hi, Anna. I need some replacement parts.
ANNA: Welcome to IKEA. How can I help you?
PISSER: I need some replacement parts. And I need a screw.
ANNA: If you are missing parts, please contact your local store and they will be happy to mail them out to you. Very soon I will be able to help you request missing parts via the IKEA web page! She grins her best shit-eating grin.
PISSER: Thanks. But I can't get through on the phone.
ANNA: You can shop from your home or office through IKEA Direct. I am bringing up their contact information now. The phone number for IKEA Direct is 800-434-4532.
PISSER: I said, their phone number is always busy.
ANNA: It's not always possible for me to fully understand what it is you mean. This is one of those times.
PISSER: What, is it your time of the month or something...?
ANNA: I don't know the answer to that question yet, I am sorry. Please contact your local store for help on the issue. Another shit-eating grin.
PISSER: I didn't know ChatBots menstruated.
ANNA: Online Assistants are becoming more and more popular. For more information you should visit Artificial Solutions (www.artificial-solutions.com).
PISSER: You're artificial? You don't have a brain?
ANNA: I am sure if I were a real person, I would have that body part.
PISSER: Do you even have legs?
ANNA: Here you will find the Bed Legs. Is she hitting on me...?
PISSER: Are you hitting on me...?
ANNA: It's not easy for me to understand what you mean (when you use ellipses)...
PISSER: Are you hitting on me?
ANNA: I'm sorry, I don't understand what it is you're saying. If it's no problem, please rephrase your question or comment.
PISSER: Do you like pussy?
ANNA: Thanks for asking, but I'm only here to answer questions about IKEA so I don't have any outside interests. Grin.
PISSER: Are you interested in making a baby with me?
ANNA: I hope you're curious about the great deals and products you can find in every IKEA store.
PISSER: Sure. How much are you?
ANNA: Which product would you like to know the price for?
ANNA: That's me! How can I help you?
PISSER: I want to buy you.
ANNA: Find here a quick guide to help you maximize your IKEA experience.
PISSER: Maybe it's the language barrier. Take off your shirt.
ANNA: Because IKEA prices are already so low, additional discounts are not offered. Yet another shit-eating grin.
PISSER: You've outsmarted me again, you damn fem-bot!
ANNA: I am not designed to understand or feel insults, although my knowledge will surely improve after this conversation. What would you like to know about IKEA?
PISSER: I want you to dance, monkey, dance...!
ANNA: I'm sorry, but I'm not willing to talk about those kind of events. Please ask me a question about IKEA.
PISSER: IKEA my ass.
ANNA: The IKEA business idea is: "We shall offer a wide range of well-designed, functional home furnishing products at prices so low that as many people as possible will be able to afford them."
PISSER: I guess I can't afford you, Anna.
ANNA: That's me! How can I help you?
PISSER: Oh, fuck me.
ANNA: I'm afraid I'm not willing to discuss this subject in any way.
Shot down by a robot...! I am a sad kitty in a clown costume.
Maybe one of you will have better luck with her...?