Tuesday, October 19, 2004


I don't believe that the universe rotates around me by any stretch of the imagination, but this stuff is weird.

~Why do cars come out of driveways the second I'm trying to cross?
~Why do I have to cross the street just as the crazy guy arrives over there?
~Why are animals extra nice to you when you are sad?
~Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near, and poop on me?

I really wonder. I figure G*d is a practical jokester, but I wouldn't think She/He/It would have the time to f---- with me.

But maybe She/He/It, or Sheeit, for short, IS all-seeing and all-knowing. Sheeit can be everywhere at once, giving Sheeit time to deal with the shitstorm in the Middle East at the same time Sheeit is plotting to drop shit that stains strategically on certain incriminating areas of my clothes at work, for maximum embarrassment.

Sheeit knows no boundaries. Also, It's priorities are kind of weird.

Sheeit knows when I need to cross the street. It knows when not one, but two, can-collecting bums* will converge to obstruct my path as I'm running (literally) late for work.

*They probably aren't bums, just entrepreneurs who are sick of working for The Man.

And Sheeit knows this. Sheeit is the boss of all bosses. Sheeit somehow tells my boss to be pacing in the doorway every day the bus is late, but never when I'm early.

Or maybe Sheeit just put a little Sheeit in everyone, and is giving us a hard time because despite all our abilities, we still can't get our shit together.

Sheeit is probably here right now, dropping an Unidentified Foreign Object in my coffee. Ha ha, very funny, you cantankerous deity, you.

I guess that's what they mean by "Sheeit happens."

But Sheeit can be really nice, too. Sheeit makes sure to balance the good with the bad once in a while. Like today, random people are pissing me off out of nowhere, so Sheeit made sure I got to meet the wonderful Richard. HoOray! That's two hotties from North Shore I've seen this week, and I don't even like that show...I watch it with the sound off *drool*. I would have thought that Sheeit wouldn't care about entertainment, or male models, but Sheeit is funny that way.

Sheeit is in all of us.

Especially male models, nuns, cats, tiny dogs, squirrels, Octoboob the Clown, Cranky, and Elizabeth (who I'm pretty sure is, at this very moment, Fed-Exing a vibrator to my office.) Sheeit cracks my shit up.

Stop laughing now. This Sheeit is serious.

Sheeit barely kept me from getting hit by a bus in Chicago...if I'd been a single cell fatter, I would have lost my a**.

Sheeit also made sure that when our friend died, a bird was skarking his damn fool head off joyously in a tree throughout the entire burial service.

Later, Sheeit might just be silly again, and make me laugh when I step in something, or spooge adheres to my rear. Or I get fired. Ha, ha! That would be hilarious.

Fuck that, Sheeit. Get off of my butt...haven't You got more important things to do...?

Now I'll probably get one of those freaky comments from the Jesus, Inc. people. But they can suck a fuck. I appreciate Sheeit as much as the next person. And if Sheeit were so humorless, then why did It make shit, strange bodily noises, lemurs, and so many things in nature that look like giant penises...? Explain THAT, you fundamentalist fools...!

Bring it on...!


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