Thursday, November 04, 2004


Apparently, some very confused people have been searching my blog for the answers to these burning (and I do mean burning) questions.

I feel so bad for these lost souls that I will now attempt to answer them.

Are teens inhaling Axe deodorant?

Do they play bad mitten in Paraguay?
When it is cold enough, they do spank their mittens and say, "bad mitten!" to them, yes.

Pepe la pu [sic] girlfriend name
It's Pepé Le Pew. And I don't know...Kitty?! And she was never his girlfriend. He's actually kind of rapey if you think about it.

Pooping in a condom shitting in a rubber
I cannot help you there.

Bing bang walla walla lyrics
Actually, I know this one. They are as follows:
Ooh-ee-ooh-ah-ah, ting-tang-walla-walla-bing-bang
-from "Witch Doctor" by Sha-na-na

Lyrics ram it ram it ram it up your poop shoot
They are here.

Does putting mayonnaise in my hair make it shine?
Maybe, but then you smell like a gross walking sandwich.

Help trunk won't open.
Don't look at me. I had this same problem. Eventually I broke in through the rear dashboard. Try that.

Felines vs Mormons
Felines have four legs. Mormons generally have two and walk upright, to your house, to bring you a free Book of Mormon.

Cats are also house-trained.

How to get my cat s butt to stop smelling like shit
Stop sniffing it.

Heavy bottomed toy will not fall over
Weebles wobble, but they won't fall down.

Granny are you a buttinsky?
Why, yes. Yes, I am.

Getting rid of grackels
Why don't you ask them nicely to leave...?

How to get rid of underarm roll-on stains
Throw the shirt away.

Is cat shit flammable?
You, Sir, are weird.

What causes chunks of cum?
Eating too much "chunky" style soup. And also, gross.

"Got Milk?" substance
Food stylists use weird non-food substances because it apparently looks better on film than the real deal. I'm not sure about this particular milk spooge, but I'm afraid it might be glue of some sort. Or chunky cum.

What does your asshole taste like
Now how would I know that...?

You advise your grandmother against using mineral oil as a laxative because...
I have no business telling my grandmother what and what not to use as a laxative.

Why do cats smell each others butts when they meet
I'm sure I don't know. Because...they like the smell of cat ass.

To poo or not to poot that is the question
I'm going with "poo".

¿Quien es Rumplestiltskin?
Ruplestilkstin is an extremely pissed off old guy who hated his own name so much he stomped straight through the floor. Kind of like Cranky.

Velveeta expiration date
Velveeta has no expiration date. Enjoy.

Bald men from west of Turkey who poo upside down and eat W
I wish they would. How interesting.

Ball sack hangs in toilet water
Whoa, buddy...that's a real problem. Maybe you should see a ball sack-ologist. If they can reshape the female snoopy (which I find ludicrous and totally unnecessary, unless, say, you're tripping over it or something) - then I am sure there's help for you. And also, my phone number is...

101 things to shove up your vagina
Uh...I'll do this tomorrow. If you insist.


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