TO: THOSE OF YOU IN MY ORIFICE
RE: F.Y. EYE/PROPOSED SOLUTIONS

I would like to introduce this large, hairy monster. He is an esteemed one-eyed, one-horned, flying Purple People Eater. I call him "Dick Cheney".

I CALL THE LITTLE ONE
     "MR. PRESIDENT"

They live on my desk.

Dick Cheney sings and dances, but the little one doesn't do much. He just stands there on his 8 legs, watching Dick Cheney dance and looking all freaked out - much like his namesake.

They are here because I needed some levity. Please send all purple monsters to my desk and I will deal with them accordingly.

Oh, and Mr. President also wants you to know he is actually a dog toy. Squeaky, squeaky.

Thank you.
The Homeland Insecurity Department

P.S. Thank you, Andrew and Killy, for the excellent proposed solutions (marrying a Canadian, etc.) But I hate the cold, and love the swamp. There must be some way we can live in harmony with the resurrected South. I am going to propose the following three measures to help remedy this terrible divisiveness.

1. I am advocating full frontal lobotomies for all of us nutty newspaper readers who somehow failed to vote for Bush.
2. In addition, a laxative has been prescribed for all of us who are scared shitless.
3. Also, I have picked up a Bible and am thumping it repeatedly. So far, no effect but a hollow thunking noise, but I figure if you can't beat 'em, join 'em! This will help bring our country together so we can all live as one.

ONE OF US. ONE OF US. Eyyyeehhhhehehehheheeheheheheh...! *thump, thump*
- Mr. P and Dick