Wednesday, January 19, 2005


In the tradition of Pt. I. Questions left unanswered, as referring searches from my stats. I pity the poor fools, so I will attempt to answer them here.

Q: FedExing sperm
A: While there is nothing on FedEx.com which specifically prohibits this, there is the small matter of this ruling. However, I would reconsider as sperm is highly perishable. Maybe look into freezing it first. Then you may have to put it in a special receptacle and label it BIOHAZARD. No, you cannot spooge into the FedEx® Drop Box.

Ask these people - they do it all the time. Or call call the FedEx Dangerous Goods/Hazardous Materials Hotline at 1-800-463-3339 ext. 81. I called it, but a woman answered. So I hung up.

Jeez. I guess you should just do it the old fashioned way.

Q: Parcel tape fetish
A: It takes all kinds. Incidentally, applying parcel tape to the genitals and then ripping it off suddenly is somewhat less dangerous than using duct tape.

Q: Farting whiles fucking videos
A: Hrm. I can't guarantee that these are adult films because of our firewalls here at the orifice office, but try these. I especially enjoyed the synopsis for FART: THE MOVIE: Russell has two passions: watching television and farting! He also loves Heather. Heather HATES farting. The eternal triangle!

Uh...indeed. So rent those. Or else, give me five minutes and a blank tape.

Q: Throwup on cock porn
A: See above. I did this once, but it wasn't intentional. Never again on an empty stomach.

Q: Reason behind why people get random body spazzes
A: They either have the deep, repressed urge to spaz, or they have epilepsy. Do not automatically make fun of spasmos, because they might have a disease. Thank you.

Q: Heloise sweat stains shirt underarm
A: Heloise has neither the remedy for your dirty, dirty pits, Smelly, nor the solution for cum stains on her website. I say take it to a dry cleaner.

Q: How do you get FLARP! noise putty out of clothes?
A: See the above. And in the future, I suggest you FLARP! naked.

Q: Blue assed baboon pictures
A: Dig it.

Q: Izod alligator polo shirt inventor
A: Actually, The Alligator™ belongs to Lacoste. There is an entire book devoted to this subject, if you're so bored inclined. Or you can just watch the video of the book of the story at lacoste.com.

Personally, I have a grudge against The Alligator™ polo shirt inventor. Damn you, Alligator Polo Shirt Inventor. I was ostracized in the 4th grade because I didn't have a Lacoste Alligator Polo Shirt. I only had one with some sort of cat above my prepubescent bitch tit bud - or worse - no logo animal at all. I spit on thee and your snooty alligator. Ptoo.

Q: Dominatrix shit eating diet
A: Eat shit, you maggot...!

Q: Paris Hilton baby laxative caviar diet
A: That would explain where her brain went. All I know is I wouldn't want to clean her litter box.

Q: The hamster dance with Ludacris with cussing
A: While this sounds delightful, I could find no such dahnce. Try this instead.

Q: Is snorting strawberry laces dangerous?
A: You should never put anything bigger than an angel fart on the head of a needle up your nose. Unless you are Quentin Tarantino. Then I say, go for it.

Q: Can two guys stick their penis into a girls vagina at the same time?
A: Why, yes. Yes, they can. Grinning.

Q: Bitch named Vamp?
A: She is here, but she's no bitch. Slap.

Q: Horny stories Bored Housewife
A: Here you go.

Q: Call Killy a sex site.
A: Killy, you're a sex site.

Q: Why am i getting a busy signal trying to call Italian cell phone?
A: Because it is probably up their ass. Those crazy Italians.

Q: Cuz my dog likes sticks and horse turds poem
A: No idea. I imagine it goes something like this:
My dog likes
Sticks 'n turds
Sticks 'n turds
Sticks 'n turds
My dog likes
Sticks 'n turds
And I don't like turds
at all.
Also, that's not a stick.
Bad dog.

Q: What to do when cat starts peeing everywhere except the litter box?
A: Move.

Q:Smoking kitty litter hippie song
A: Here is a song called "Smelly Cat", by Phoebe of FRIENDS.
B: Did you mean the Jimmy Buffet song that goes:
Nothin' here to make me stay
'Cause that Las Vegas glitter sure beats kitty litter
And countin' the cows every day...?

C: I rather like this one, and may elect to sing it, along with "Rock the Cat Box!" by the Clash, while scooping it.
D: I wouldn't smoke that shit if I were you.

Q: Tampon block intestines dog
A: I wouldn't do that, either.

Q: What is Gisele's natural hair color?
A: That is one of the mysteries of Nature.

Q: What is an infected hair on an elephant's butt called?
A: Supposedly a "dude", but I think that is urban legend. It is not mentioned in the origins here. Or there. Or anywhere, dude.

Q: Lysol is good for jock itch?
A: I wouldn't recommend it, although I have been known to spray myself with Lysol®. It is a violation of Federal law to use this product in a manner inconsistent with its labeling.

Correct me if I'm wrong on any or all of the above.

Thank you.


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