After staring at a great deal of television last night, I have declared the following immensely irritating. I plan to send their respective companies the bill for my irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) treatment:

1) Jack in the Crack. Okay, Mr. Round-Head Executive CEO - you were funny the first nine times, but stop already. First of all, what kind of corporate prick (actually an ad exec) makes the executive decision to hire himself as the commercial spokesperson, padding his already bloated salary, and depriving poor, struggling actors of much-needed work? Besides, although the "Jack" commercials are the longest-running fast food campaign ever (no shit) you have been getting less and less funny. You already lost me with those post-911 reactionary AMERICA KICKS ASS! commercials. Then you had to go and hire a woman who can't even speak English for your annoying Southwest Chicken pita-regurgitate spot:

JACK: I like women. You're hot. Did I say that out loud...?
WOMAN: Thyeah. Jou thdid.

What is she - Slovakian?! And the director's girlfriend, probably.

2) I know this stoopid phenomenon of hiring people who can't even speak the given language from my own experiences in commercial casting. I was asked to do a cartwheel for a g*ddamn Kotex commercial, but they were more interested in a British chick, on the off chance that she could do an American accent. Question: why don't you just hire someone with the correct linguistic skills in place?! Because that would be too obvious?!

3) The Garnier Fructis girls. Once again, commercial casting agents delight in hiring models who can't act. They can't even go eeeeek! convincingly when their hair frizzes, as if that is the worst thing to happen in the world. And don't get me started on the prejudice against curly hair. Or how long you can listen to the woohoo! music without going crazy.

4) McDonald's Ba Da Ba Ba Ba I'm Lovin' It - First of all, what are you? A sheep?! Also, with all their efforts to appeal to various minorities, they might as well just make the slogan, "McDonald's. We're low-down, ghetto, straight slummin' it. Uh-huh." At least they'd be honest, for once.

Not that I'm above an occasional Filet-O-Fish. It's cheese...and tartar sauce! And I suspect, even mayonnaise...!? Now all it needs is cream cheese. Fried.

Their rap "poetry" style commercial for green salads is no better. I hate slam poetry. It's like open mike/improv jams, only suckier.

But at least they have clean restrooms.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go change my pad.