Thursday, February 03, 2005
CARE AND FEEDING OF LA FAMIGLIA PISSER
Just in case someone wants to adopt us. Or I have to hire a cat-sitter. For myself.
Fig. 1.
Pisserus irritibilius.
Doesn't like boys. Crotch-lunger. Extremely foul-tempered and bitey, especially at mealtime. Fascinated with the computer, sleep, television. Will bite your butt so don't let her get too close to you.
Loves peas.
Fig. 2.
Iddyus biddyus var. vomitoria
Very cute, sweet alien-kitty, or possibly some kind of lemur. Warning: will puke in your bed and then you will wake up and roll over in it. Loves yogurt, apple cores, turkey, and whatever you are eating at the time. Warning: may plunge face-first into your food if you don't stop him. Blind. May get his head stuck in a bag of chips and almost suffocate. Watch him. Sneaky. Says "prrrrp!" a lot. Warning: may step on your answering machine, erasing all your messages from deceased grandmother, and record over it with 45 minutes of himself going, "prrrp...prrrp...prrrp?" in a confused manner.
Fig. 3.
Bobobuttinsky zippyidydoodahfunkipuss.
"Zipper" "Poops" "Very, Very Bad Nasty Biting Kitty".
The ringleader. Pillhead. Only likes cat food. Stoopid, stoopid kitty. Enjoys being spanked lightly on the buttocks. Caterwauls like so: MRRROWWWR...OWRRR...OWRRRR... Warning: this is extremely LOUD. You may have to get him a room at the Chateau Marmont just so you and the neighbors can sleep. Drinks gin and tonics. Don't let him run up a tab.
Also likes to drink out of the sink. Therefore, you will have to turn the tap on in the sink, and he will loiter in there, so in order to brush your teeth you will have to spit in the toilet.
Needs meds.
Warning: he may try to bite your nose, and it hurts, so try not to let him. It feels like a nostril piercing. Also likes eyelashes. If you won't let him bite your nose or eyelashes, he will head-butt you. This can hurt, also. So don't let him do that, either. If he can't bite or head-butt your nose, he will try to put his foot in your mouth. Warning: this is extremely nasty. You don't know where it's been. Also enjoys stepping on 'nads and boobies. Not to be trusted.
Fig. 4.
Joe "Joe" muskybuttodiferuspuss.
Musky-Butt Joe, from Mexico, is a big cream puff. Sometimes, his butt stinks. Doesn't wipe properly. Prone to bladder infections. Also drools.
If the dry food level in his bowl falls below 85%, will nip at your ankles, so look out.
Will hump the pillow next to your head while looking at you with lust. Very disturbing. Will give you a complex. Try not to make direct eye contact.
Fig. 5.
Katinadendron bitchypoomoocowlickicus
"Katina" "Kat-pee-na" "Fatina".
Like mother, like daughter. When Katina lies on her back, she looks like a baby hemisphere. Talks to herself. Says "mrowr...owr? Owr. Owr: owr owr. Owr! Owr...?" for no reason to empty room at 4:00 a.m. If she licks your hand, you cannot take it away from her until she decides she is done with you. She will bite you in the nads. Also known to kill. Otherwise, very sweet.
CARE AND FEEDING OF LA FAMIGLIA PISSERFig. 1.
Pisserus irritibilius.
Doesn't like boys. Crotch-lunger. Extremely foul-tempered and bitey, especially at mealtime. Fascinated with the computer, sleep, television. Will bite your butt so don't let her get too close to you.
Loves peas.
Fig. 2.
Iddyus biddyus var. vomitoria
Very cute, sweet alien-kitty, or possibly some kind of lemur. Warning: will puke in your bed and then you will wake up and roll over in it. Loves yogurt, apple cores, turkey, and whatever you are eating at the time. Warning: may plunge face-first into your food if you don't stop him. Blind. May get his head stuck in a bag of chips and almost suffocate. Watch him. Sneaky. Says "prrrrp!" a lot. Warning: may step on your answering machine, erasing all your messages from deceased grandmother, and record over it with 45 minutes of himself going, "prrrp...prrrp...prrrp?" in a confused manner.
Fig. 3.
Bobobuttinsky zippyidydoodahfunkipuss.
"Zipper" "Poops" "Very, Very Bad Nasty Biting Kitty".
The ringleader. Pillhead. Only likes cat food. Stoopid, stoopid kitty. Enjoys being spanked lightly on the buttocks. Caterwauls like so: MRRROWWWR...OWRRR...OWRRRR... Warning: this is extremely LOUD. You may have to get him a room at the Chateau Marmont just so you and the neighbors can sleep. Drinks gin and tonics. Don't let him run up a tab.
Also likes to drink out of the sink. Therefore, you will have to turn the tap on in the sink, and he will loiter in there, so in order to brush your teeth you will have to spit in the toilet.
Needs meds.
Warning: he may try to bite your nose, and it hurts, so try not to let him. It feels like a nostril piercing. Also likes eyelashes. If you won't let him bite your nose or eyelashes, he will head-butt you. This can hurt, also. So don't let him do that, either. If he can't bite or head-butt your nose, he will try to put his foot in your mouth. Warning: this is extremely nasty. You don't know where it's been. Also enjoys stepping on 'nads and boobies. Not to be trusted.
Fig. 4.
Joe "Joe" muskybuttodiferuspuss.
Musky-Butt Joe, from Mexico, is a big cream puff. Sometimes, his butt stinks. Doesn't wipe properly. Prone to bladder infections. Also drools.
If the dry food level in his bowl falls below 85%, will nip at your ankles, so look out.
Will hump the pillow next to your head while looking at you with lust. Very disturbing. Will give you a complex. Try not to make direct eye contact.
Fig. 5.
Katinadendron bitchypoomoocowlickicus
"Katina" "Kat-pee-na" "Fatina".
Like mother, like daughter. When Katina lies on her back, she looks like a baby hemisphere. Talks to herself. Says "mrowr...owr? Owr. Owr: owr owr. Owr! Owr...?" for no reason to empty room at 4:00 a.m. If she licks your hand, you cannot take it away from her until she decides she is done with you. She will bite you in the nads. Also known to kill. Otherwise, very sweet.
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