Monday, February 07, 2005


I guess I get what I deserve when I do things like deliberately watching the StoOper Bowl just for the commercials (only eh this year, except for the bad cat and the cockatoo). But I can't seem to get away from the really stoOpid ones, the usual suspects being fast food or car ads.

I know using sex to sell a product is a successful and time-honored tradition, but this is ridiculous. And I know chicks will supposedly hump you just to get to your car, although I haven't ever met a woman who said, "oh, my GAWD! His CAR is so...BIG and LUXURIOUS! And it has a FUEL INJECTED V8! Whatever that means...!" But go figure.

Nowadays, ads seem to be skipping the male fantasy of man + car = instant hummer from disposable hot blonde-bot. Today, the object of lust seems to have migrated from the male member to the car itself.

This isn't natural.

In one commercial which I have blessedly somewhat forgotten, a man even conspires with the salesman and offers to impregnate his wife/girlfriend just to manipulate her into buying an SUV. What a couple of sick bastards. Humping a woman just to get to a car.

Then there is this heinous commercial type which features some vaguely dykeish country singer wearing frosted lipstick ca. 1987 (which does nothing for her nonexistent lip line) while twangily claiming that her "baby is a gen-yoo-eyne Ford" or some barbecued bullshit. No, Shania Faith LeAnn McBride, your baby is not a small penis overcompensator/sports utility vehicle. At least I hope not. That would be painful.

Finally, there's this spectacle. What the hell? Since when do women get all hot and bothered and light candles and rub one off in the bathtub over a Buick?!

Somebody stop us before someone gets hurt by inserting something into their SUV that isn't a fuel nozzle.


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