Thursday, March 03, 2005


*not an actual vet. Stands for Deceased Vaginal Marmoset.

Please, for the love of cheese, people. When you have a veterinary emergency, don't fuck'n write to a message board. Take Fluffy to the hospital or I will personally send a courier from KickYoAss Messaging to give you a big boot in the butt. Which you will then have to pay to have removed, while Fluffy's at the vet.

We have been having our share of weird medical issues lately. For example, Zippy's [WARNING: BARF ATTACK] claws have been growing into his feet. I have had this cat 16 yrs. and have never heard of such a thing, but I think when you get old your body starts doing some freaky shit. (My grandpa says, "tell me about it!" He has grown this one long, curly eyebrow.)

The vet tech says ingrown claws are not all that uncommon, especially in older, indoor cats. Sometimes they don't groom as well as they used to or their claws don't wear down enough. She called his freaky paws "rollerblades".

The really stupid part is that I used to trim his claws once a month for my comfort, so he wouldn't tear me a new one. I guess we're going back to our friend, Mr. Clippers.

He is all fixed up now and enjoys bitch-slapping me repeatedly before 7 a.m. on a daily basis, but do check all your kitty's claws regularly (including the dew claws on the front legs) and any extra toes she may have, as well.

I felt just terrible when I finally noticed the problem, but he was acting perfectly normal and I didn't think to look until I saw some blood on the bedspread that wasn't mine.

There are real and imagined cat problems, folks. I have had two extremely naïve and alarmed first-time cat owners call asking what was wrong with their cats, i.e. HELP! SOMETHING CAME OUT OF MY CAT...!

In these cases, respectively, the "things" were:
a) a hairball. Cats puke. They do that.
b) a Texas blind snake. This did not come out of the cat. It had gotten in under the door and was cruising around the apt. Nice.

Then, this morning Cranky calls in a panic, "help! My cat is acting weird!"

Now this has happened to me before. Once my neighbor came over in tears, also crying, "help! My cat is acting weird!"

In both instances, I looked at them and said, "uh. Yeah. It's a cat."

Cats, like women, are weird. That is why we love them.

But I have been perusing veterinary sites on the off chance that I could find an article on Weird Cat Syndrome.

Sadly, I didn't find it, but I did find all these issues. I paraphrase, of course, but the questions are real.


DISCLAIMER: The answers to these real-life questions are mine and are not considered sound medical advice. Do not attempt.

Q: Kitty was recently running all around the house in a disoriented state, urinating randomly. (The vet called this "drunken and disorderly conduct".)

A: Stop giving him beers.

Q: There is a hole in my cat. Is this normal?

A: I don't know...let's see. How does the hole I just made in your sack feel to you, Captain Braniac...?

Q: (Re: catching their cat masturbating - yes! And they get acne, too!) Our cat is behaving inappropriately with a blanket. He can get rather annoyed when we try to interrupt him, but when observed it must be stopped. I have on occasion turned him over to inspect his penis and just as expected it is erect and there is some discharge.

A: What else did you EXPECT to see, Mrs. DumbAss - you damn pre-vert!? Leave Tiger alone...he needs his privacy! How would you like it if he caught YOU flicking your Bic® and made YOU stop...?

People like you are the kind whut breed axe murderers.

Q: Dear "Dr." Pisser, My cat DingDong has been having attacks where she has major arguments with her tail. She growls, hisses, sometimes bites and occasionally runs in circles.

A: Dear Mama DingDong, I'm very sorry to break this to you, but your cat is retarded. In the future, please do not keep a brother and sister cat together in the same room and allow them to breed.

Q: I recently got married and my new husband brought his 5-year old cat with him. She has decided to use my love seat as a scratching post, and has a VERY nasty habit of wolfing down her food only to vomit it up later on my carpet, my bed, my bathroom floor, wherever. I have caught her scratching the love seat several times and have taken her over to the scratching post we have provided, but she's not interested. I have also tried squirting her when caught with a water pistol, and yelling at her - and I've even tried soaking the part she scratches with ammonia as a deterrent. Nothing works! She's driving me crazy and I'm about ready to give her her marching orders. I know it sounds crazy but I think she does it on purpose - she likes to vomit on my bed or on the carpet near where I usually sit. Since she's been an outdoor cat (and she does have 24-hour-a-day outside access at my house as well) my husband has refused to have her declawed - he thinks it's cruel. Can you shed any light on why she behaves this way and what, if anything, can be done about it? She isn't making herself the most popular member of our household. - Alice

A: Alice - you are a fucking neurotic, intensely irritating cunt. I don't know how women like you manage to get married except that men like your husband obviously were raised by nasty, abusive mothers and therefore think that you are normal. That is why Kitty hates you. I hate you, too. Please kill yourself immediately so that Kitty and her daddy can be happy instead of having to miserably co-exist with such a high-strung twat.

Oh yeah, and before you off yourself, try hacking off the upper thirds of your fingers, because that is what declawing is. That is why it is now illegal in some of our more enlightened cities. Hurts real bad, doesn't it? Good. Now please die.

Thank you.

Ahem. In almost all cases, the real answers were:

- Take your cat to the vet.

- Take your cat to the vet.

- Take your cat to the vet.

However, there were also some unconventional solutions proposed. Such as getting Kitty's head examined, sending Kitty to a kitty head doctor, or prescribing kitty Prozac.

Goooood. Too bad they don't have Kitty Asylum™, a miniature padded room, because that is what I think these people really need. And possibly one for themselves.

But my favorite doctor's "solution" in regard to behavioral problems is to use an AIR HORN. An AIR HORN...! I can just see it now:

OWNER: NO, Mr. Timples! Pumping your little red Christmas light into my bedclothes is BAD!
KITTY: Mrrrooooowwwr! starts crab-walking toward his owner looking extremely poofed-up and ominous
KITTY: MrrrowwwrrrrRRRROOOWWWRRR!! severs owner's femoral artery in attempt to stop the evil blasting honking noise
OWNER: (croaks)
KITTY: (eats his left buttock with great gusto!)

Yeah, Dr. Doom. That's a good idea...!

Come closer. I want to tell you something.






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