Wednesday, March 16, 2005


Callers I hate:

Plain Old Fashioned Wrong Numbers: damn it, my name is not Pedro, and I do not mow lawns. Now stop calling here or I'll send some nasty broad over there to professionally munch your rug.

Missed Callers. These are personally my least favorite. People who say, "you called me?" when what came up on their caller ID was the main company number, so it could have been anyone in the entire building. Some of them are even hostile about it, and/or don't speak English...why jou call me here, Juan Carlos?!

Then you have to spend five minutes explaining that, a) no me llamo Juan Carlos, porque no tengo un pene, and b) I did not call you. You called me. KNOCK IT OFF-!

Phone Trash - this is of course everything from people looking for jobs to telephone solicitors of all varieties. These are obnoxious. Salesmen are the worst. Especially the ones who don't ask, but DEMAND to speak to the person in charge of janitorial services, etc. As if you are going to tell them who that would be. However, I do on occasion, if that particular employee happens to chap my hide. I'm very democratic that way.

Redundant Message-Leavers. The ones who call all the time and leave a message on your cell phone, but it's always the same, i.e. Hi. This is StupidBoringPerson. Give me a call. This has no real information, therefore why should I call you? And why are you wasting my valuable cell phone minutes just so I can check your useless message? NO CALL FOR YOU-!

Nosey Neds - callers who ask, is Gino there? No, Neddy Nadsucker, I do not know if Gino has finally decided to grace us with his presence, because I am NOT Gino. And Gino is not me. It wasn't my turn to watch him, and I have no idea what is going on on other peoples' desks because I am unfortunately not omniscient.

Unless you are interested in who he fooled around with after the last company party, in which case I can help you.

Babblers and Dawdlers - people who take entirely too long to spit out what they are going to say. This category is inclusive of those who are driving while fiddling with the radio and blasting LOUD music in my ear, as well as those who just aren't sure what they want and/or couldn't be articulate if I slapped every syllable out of them.

And yes, this is up to and including people who eat Doritos in my ear and the pricks in suits who I can TELL are calling from the "executive washroom", because I can hear the urinal flushing - QUIT IT, you sick frat-boys-turned-CEOS! You are disgusting, boorish fucks and your wives and children hate you, too!

Obscene callers. Especially at work, where you're not expecting it, and you think they're a Dawdler, but when they finally do speak, they blurt something about bending you over your desk, and before you can think of a clever retort, you hang up because you are too flustered and the background noise you formerly thought was fumbling turns out to be furtive whacking. GAH!!!

Prisoners. People who call from a prison phone. Self-explanatory.

Scammers. These may also be Prisoners. If you get a collect call and/or hear a message that says this person is calling from a prison phone/the Los Angeles County Corrections Department, this is most likely what you are dealing with. Do not humor them. If they ask you for the numbers on your copier, ask you to dial 9 for them (so they can call Tokyo) or claim to have your lost pet (in PRISON?! Man, Fluffy had a rough night!) do NOT respond! I don't care if you're elderly, doddering, and gullible. No good can come of conversing with a man who has been institutionalized, unless you are really that hard up. And under NO circumstances should you participate in phone sex with this person, even if the operator tells you that you are helping to catch a felon.*

BEWARE of the phone. If you think any of the above is bad, consider this: people will break into your house while you are at a funeral and make long-distance calls to Guyana.*

*True, first-person story from a good-hearted but very silly friend. And the Lost Cat thing? Happened to me. And the Guyana thing? My mom. FUN.

Maybe it's better just not to answer it.

The phone is a dangerous instrument, folks. Even now, I am eying it leerily. Before you use it, especially for business purposes, please take a moment and collect your thoughts, get rid of the background noise, and decide what you're going to say before you waste everyone's time and become a burr on the ass of phone-answering society. And stop whacking!

As for you answerers, if in doubt, just assume it is an obscene, whacking AND whacked caller, calling collect from a prison phone in Guyana. And he does NOT have your cat.

That way, if it isn't an obscene caller from a prison psych ward on Guyana who does NOT have your cat, you are pleasantly surprised.

Thank you.


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