Friday, March 04, 2005


They say that some people are so interesting that they could publish their grocery lists and others would read 'em.

I am not one of those people.


I do buy some weird-ass groceries though. For example, look at the bullshit they print on some of these labels:

On Silver Palate Oatmeal: SPLENDIDLY NUTRITIOUS and "...the nut-like flavor [ew!] of these memorable whole-grain oats are a delight to eat...these rougher, thicker oats cook up to a texture that provides sheer breakfast pleasure..." Plus is has a recipe for "Outrageous Granola."

I'm sorry, but I just don't get all that excited about oatmeal.

And also, on a can of organic baked beans: High in fiber, fat free, vegetable kingdom nourishment. Grown and processed for great taste, better nutrition, easy meals, and peace of mind. [WOW! All that from BEANS?] EDEN® offers only sincere food.

Okay, I don't know if I'm comfortable with my food having emotions. I just want it to make me take a sincere dump...! Isn't it bad enough that my yogurt is a "live and active culture?" Is that supposed to sound appetizing?! Yuck. I don't know about eating things that are alive, but I don't really like them to be dead, either - the reason I am starting to like Chik'n better than chicken. Oh, and these are great. Or should I say, they are a memorable Chik'n experience...?!

I am just waiting for the description, General Mills Donkey Doots™ are a REVELATION in food! They will make an orgasm of ecstasy and bliss ripple throughout your every nerve cell until you take a big dump of joy! to appear on a package.

I think they should start phrasing product descriptions as follows:

Here is some fake vegetable stuff in a box for you. Eat it! It is good. Plus it comes with no bonus dead animal parts* like bones or teeth. Yak.

*Or yak.

Hooray! It will not make you sick. Food is good to eat!


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