Thursday, March 31, 2005


Everybody in "The Red Tent", say arrrrgggh...!
Now...smash something!

I was inspired by my sisters in pain, Birthday Girl Kat, Avatar, and Storm "Tampons as Corks?" Rider. SR doesn't cramp 'n flow but he is an honorary sister. Because we all hates us some feminine hygiene products and their insipid commercials. But that's tough titty, kid, because some woman had to cramp 'n flow in order to bear your ungrateful ass. Heh.

(Which reminds me, will someone please abort that evil, beady-eyed, misogynistic fetus in the Carl's Jr. commercial. I would personally like to give him an RU-486 enema. He needs to be yanked badly, or sold to Ortho as the poster child for birth control. Thank you.)

Aherm. For this reason, I have combined and re-written some of the worst offenders into a 30-second spot I hope will get time on Oxygen, Lifetime Television for Really Sappy Women, PBS ("OooH! She's moody! Must be PBS! -Bobby Hill), and other more realistic networks. So here goes.


MUSIC: Courtney Love sings:
There she flows
There she flows again
Cramping on that strang
And she just can't contain
This feeling in her thang...

Zoom in on a woman sitting in Central Park. This is LADY PROBLEMS. Mid-thirties. Dishevelled. She is bloated. She is moody. She is smoking a big fat fatty just to deal with it.

Some GIRL SPROUTS come over to where she is sitting and try to push their cookies on her, but she gives them the hairy eyeball, so they drop their goods and flee in terror. She starts in on the Thin Mints when...

Some SKINNY, HAPPY TEENAGE GIRLS (who do not menstruate because of their eating disorders) come jogging by perkily and she trips them and then pretends it was an accident. Their brittle bones break. She smiles quietly to herself, but due to the exertion...

Abruptly, she doubles over in pain and clutches her midsection.

Frantically, she looks around for a facility. Finding none - not even a Port-O-Stench, she ducks behind some bushes, where she roots around in her purse like an animal. This is not successful, so she dumps the whole thing on the ground.

We zoom onto...

A BIG-ASS PINK P*SSY HARPOON. It looks very uncomfortable but it is pink and has flowers and snappy sayings on the wrapper. This is supposed to make it good.

Furtively, she maneuvers under her Bloatzilla peasant skirt, shoving the dry cotton thing in while cussing effusively. We don't hear her over the music but we can read her lips and it's not pretty.

A man comes over with his evil spawn, covering its eyes and ears while pointing at her angrily and wagging a finger in her face. She stuffs a tampon in his mouth, then maces him with FDS. His face turns red and he runs off, horrified. She grins an evil grin.

Then, cut to a pink box of MENSTRUAL PAIN RELIEF. She starts crunching up the pills without water and chases them with some elderly, lint-covered Hershey's kisses recovered from the bottom of her purse. A visible sigh of relief, though her face is now covered with chocolate.

LADY PROBLEMS giggles, and spins, and does a pirouette, during which we see she has a big red splotch on her white pants.

There she blows
There she blows again
Leaking through that stain
And she just can't contain
This big stain that remains

Several bums passing by obviously wonder what she's on and make a run for the remnants of her purse and start eating the remaining MENSTRUAL PAIN RELIEF while she does a cartwheel of joy. Because people on their periods love to do gymnastics. Everybody knows that.

Halfway through her second cartwheel, the tampon flies out and hurtles through the air, hitting one of the bums square in the eye and knocking a squirrel out of a tree.

LADY PROBLEMS lands on her ass and dies of shame and blood loss anemia.

The screen goes black and we see a warning about TSS (Toxic Shock Syndrome):

"You can avoid any possible risk of getting tampon-associated TSS from tampons by not using tampons."



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