I am guilty of watching the nanny shows again, both ABC's Supernanny and FOX's rip-off, Nanny 911.

ABC's is a far superior show (I'm not just saying that because I have a giant lesbian crush on this woman), and besides, they didn't steal the idea from the other network, right down to the British Isles nannies. Yet both shows fascinate and perplex me. A) Because I have absolutely no concept of proper child-rearing, and B) because neither of them are anything like the show I was thinking of pitching.

I'm afraid that my show, SuperPisser 911, would only find a market in Japan, where they are both hilariously random and strong on discipline. Actually, in Japanese, "SuperPisser 911" translates literally as Why You Have So Many Kids, Anyway?!

But instead of making kids go sit in "The Naughty Closet/Room/Stoop/Rug/Trash Can", I would make them go to hell.

Also, since I don't really understand how the nanny convinces an already misbehaving child to stay on "The Naughty Step", I would have to nail them there.

Don't get all puffed up, I'd use carpet nails. Sheesh.

But not before strapping them into their chairs for dinner, so they could not escape. I would use "The Naughty Rope/Tree/Gallows/Machete".

Rather than complaining that the kids were on a sugar high all day, which makes them even more obnoxious than usual, I'd happily eat all their snacks while popping their Ritalin like a Desperate Housewife, except fat. Then, at mealtimes, they would not complain about having to eat my used tofu refuse, 'cuz they'd be ravenous.

Afterwards, instead of admonishing the kids for playing in the street, I would encourage them to "go play in traffic."

It worked for my parents and it works for me.

When I wanted to go shopping, instead of subjecting the huddled masses to my screaming brood, I'd have them go play with their little friends by asking them, "if Timmy jumps off a high bridge, does that mean you'll do it, too?" That way, I wouldn't need a sitter.

I'd also have them "go suck an egg" and "ask someone who cares", "go jump in a lake", and "go chase yourself", which would keep them happily occupied for hours.

That way, they'd be too tired from chasing themselves and egg-sucking to give me any guff.

I realize that some would consider this child abuse. That is why I do not have children. I am not allowed. But I think we can all agree that the kids on these shows are not responding to conventional methods. They need DISCIPLINE...! Discipline, and duct tape. And a lethal dose of Shutupazone.

The parents need discipline, too. One or both of them must undergo a tubal ligation/vasectomy by the end of each show, depending on who is the worst parent. Then, as a prize, I give them a kick in the pants and a nice pineapple.

Now before you hate me for hating kids, please consider this. I don't really hate them. I just hate loud noises. I like kids. Especially somebody else's. So much, in fact, that I am calling Child Protective Services on both shows for child abuse. You heard me. I believe that it is child abuse to show your kids toilet training on national television. How would you feel if, at your high school graduation ceremony, or at age 37, for your bachelor party, someone had gotten ahold of a DVD of Nanny 911 showing you doing "The Poopy in the Potty Dance" with some bint in a cape?!

Not good, that's how.

However, there is one point on which Supernanny 911 and Why You Have So Many Kids, Anyway?! agree. The commercials.

Last night during Supernanny, I noticed that FOX runs Ortho-Novum ads for their new birth control pill.

*APPLAUSE*

Thank you.