Friday, April 22, 2005


It's been TV week here at TPKC just because I have been rendered a dain bramaged zombie by pilot season and two overly strong drinks I had last Tuesday.

That's right, Mr. Liver is getting old and out of shape. He hasn't been getting very much "exercise".

Maybe that's why I enjoy watching Extreme! Makeover on occasion while stuffing my face with Asian noodles (the better to become an E.M. recipient myself, someday). I use Asian noodles because you do not want to be stuffing your face with anything yellow or red while watching Extreme! Makeover unless you want to have an Extreme Barf-O-Rama.

Last night, one of the human carving turkey contestants was this girl idiot who enjoyed jumping out of planes (who's gonna fix her when she shatters her new porcelain veneers?) and thought she should move to Hollywood and have a career in show business based on her Extremely Made-Over face. Ha, ha! Uh, bad idea. But I'm not about to crush a young girl's dreams by telling her that, even after all the painful and expensive work she'd had done, she was still pretty...fugly.

Or the bride-to-be, who obviously needed an Extreme! Makeover, because her groom looked like a slightly more attractive version of Will Ferrell and so obviously he would cheat on her if they didn't fix her face. Gee, thanks for your vote of confidence, E.M...!

I'd just like to see more worthy contestants, that's all. Not Jenny McCarthy's mom. I don't care if she is a janitor, and has to clean up hwarf for a living. I want to see FREAKS! People who are missing major facial features, like a man with no nose (how does he smell? Terrible!), or Anna Nicole Smith, er, a woman who was born without a brain. Or maybe, at least, people who are really hideous. Not women who are about to get married (so how ugly can they be?) and are pissed off just because they can't fill out the top of their $99 David's Bridal wedding gown. It's called a tailor, Bridezilla, you walking human Kleenex wad.

And the "blushing" bride couldn't even blush after they were done with her, let alone show emotion, or move her face during the ceremony. At all. Her mother had to stand next to her, and hold her mouth open, so it looked like she was smiling. And she probably had to wear one of those sexy chin-support mummy head wrap things on their honeymoon. Nice. Oh well. At least she didn't mess up her mascara by crying tears of joy, since her tear ducts had been cauterized.

Ooh, can't I have an E.M.? I'd like to have both a double mastectomy and an assectomy, and they have them all sewn back on, and reconstructed, with a cherry on top. Except I would like my butt to be where my boobs are currently located, and my boobs, which are the approximate size of Nicole Richie's butt, would be my new hiney. I'd also enjoy having six lips and a chin, instead of three chins. And a miniature face-butt (cleft) carved into the new one. Cute, huh...?


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