Wednesday, April 20, 2005


And now, my uniformed, disinterested rundown of the phenomenon (doo DOO doo doo-doo) known as American Idol.

If you do not watch the show, there's no need to piss off. I don't watch it, either. In fact, I was just not watching it last night. Notice I hardly even know the kids' names.

Here are my totally unbiased* impressions of the remaining contestants.

*Except for my 'nads.

1. Blondie (Blandie) Underwear - country singer. Explain why I should care. There was another blondie who was indistinguishable from this blondie, but she got the boot (scoot boogie).
2. Blackalicious - too pretty for me to find interesting. Where's Nadia? Meanwhile, 'Licious can be backup in case someone in Destiny's Child kicks off.
3. Fattie - why is the fat guy still on? I'm pleasantly surprised at you, American public.
4. Dreads - I like Dreads. I want to pluck him and shave him and call him "Terence Trent D'Arby". I think the name's available, as Terence is now called Sananda Maitreya, and this symbol, for some reason.
5. Constantinople - I Think I Like You, so what if you're a cheesewad! Reminds me of that Russian hair band from the 80's, Gorky Park. Remember them? BANG!? Da.
6. Blondie (male) - Oh, Jesus Cripes. What is this - SPROCKETS? Should be deported to Germany immediately and upset the reign of terror by David Hasselhoff.
7. Bo Bice - I hate the name, Bo Bice. He should change it as this sounds like a toddler babbling: bo bice ba ba goo goo poo poo. However, he makes me want to spread and make a bad music video involving cherry pie and a fire hose. But he won't 'cuz he's got the Jeebus.

However, I don't think he will be the new American Idol as he's not plastic enough. And anyway, I wanted Nadia and her Frohawk. Should join a male strip revue/musical in Vegas, or better yet, go back to Alabama, Bo, before they cut your hair. It's gettin' kinda long.

Does getting kicked off this show automatically make these kids eligible for the Spanish version, Objetivo: FAMA?

If not, I'd like fries with that. Make 'em dance, buttboys and girls, make 'em DANCE!

Uh, not you, Bo. Just...take it off. And please wear this photo of Robert Plant in his heyday taped to the paper bag on your head, thanks.


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