Wednesday, April 13, 2005


You know those cell phone ads where the woman does Le Freak around the room to "eight six seven five three-oh-nii-ee-ii-iiine" and says it's her "I Got It! I Got It! *spazz*"...Plan? Semi-annoying...?

Well, I loathe cell phones with a passion. I curse thy name, Verizon. So I changed to AT&T. Which has sucked total dead guy ass ever since they were acquired by Cingulair. So fittingly, now, I would like to revise that Cingulair commercial for my "plan", which has seemingly gotten worse since that merger.

It's my...

- "Doesn't Work Where I Live, But I Keep Paying for It, Anyway" Plan

- My " 'Free' Minutes, But Only after 9 PM, When Everyone on the East Coast has Gone to Sleep Because It's the Middle of the Frikkin' Night; and Weekends, When You're too Busy to Care" Plan

- The "Only Cuts Out During Extremely Important Conversations, Otherwise it Works Fine" Plan, and my "Confuses Old People, Who Can Barely Grasp the Concept of An Answering Machine, Let Alone a Cell Phone that Hangs Up on Them for No Reason" Plan

- The "Because It Only Works Out-of-Doors, People Always Think They Can Hear the Ocean (Traffic) when You Talk - Your Head is Like An Empty Shell, and That You are Stupid" Plan

- The "Cuts Out During Arguments, Which Could Actually Be Useful, but Which Only Results in More Arguing About Who Hung Up On Who, Damn It" Plan

- The "Only Works Sometimes, if You Stand in the Middle of the Street Until You Get Clocked by a Car" Plan

- The "Except Sometimes, it Works When You Stand Next to a Wall with One Hand in the Air, Wavin' Like You Just Don't Care, and the Other Clutching your Shitty Phone for Dear Life So it Doesn't Fall Apart While Wearing a Tinfoil Hat and Rabbit Ears, and Jumping Up & Down at a Rate of 5 Hops Per Minute" Plan

- My "Doesn't Work at All, Except on Alternate Tuesdays, So You Throw Your Phone Repeatedly at the Floor Until it Breaks for Real, and then Spend Two Entire Lunch Hours at the Verizon Dealership While the Sales Associate Tries to Pick the Lint Out of your Phone with a Bent Hairpin, Which Does Nothing, so She Tries to Extort $100 from You for a New Phone Because Your Plan Does Not Include a 'New Every 2' Upgrade Unless You Sign Over Your Firstborn and the Use of Your Bodily Cavities to Verizon for the Next Five Years, so You Do Nothing and it is a Complete Waste of your Time" Plan.

Because, of course, your plan does not ever claim that the service you are paying for will actually work. Plan.

My ass.


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