Wednesday, April 27, 2005


So you don't have to...!

I love new things, especially things that are bad for you, so I have sampled the following new introductions to my junk food repertoire. Please be advised that I did not do this all in the same week, or even the same month - so it is not necessary to lecture me on the resultant effect on my hiney, thanks.


JACK-IN-THE-BOX - Bruschetta Chicken Ciabatta Sandwich
First of all, I got this without the bruschetta because I didn't realize there is also a "classic" version. (How can it be a "classic" if it's new?) This was a mistake. The sandwich was too dry, and I don't think I cared much for the ciabatta bread they are making such a big stink about. It was kind of bouncy and gummy and weird. The chicken was okay, a little gristly though. The cheese I don't even remember, and I always notice the cheese because I'm a big, fat, lactose junkie-fiend, and I think cheese should be memorable, damn it. I'm making this thing sound awful and it really wasn't. Just not particularly impressed - with all the advertising revenue they put into these things, you'd think they'd actually bother to make 'em taste good. Not so much.

I don't really care for their Pannido™ baguettes, either, and those commercials made me want to stab myself repeatedly in the eyehole with a festive cocktail toothpick, but that's another story so I'll shut my gob.

Redeeming values: Drive-thru fried cheese and chocolate cake. Mushy mystery tacos. Most take ATM cards and serve breakfast all day. Thank you, Mr. Round Headed Antenna Ball.

Calories for Who-Gives-A-Shit: 510, 13g fat for the Classic; 660, 26g fat for the Bruschetta, which I'm sure is much tastier, accounting for the 13 additional grams of fat.

SUBWAY - Toasted Chicken Parmesan Provolone Phantom Something Sandwich of Doom
Okay, I know I ate this sandwich. I swear it. I saw the annoying, too-heavy-on-the-Italian Accent commercial and immediately waddled directly to the nearest franchise and faithfully plunked down the $5.00 whatever and sucked the whole 6 inches down (NO PERVS!) while waiting for the bus. And I think... I think I liked it.

And yet, it's like it doesn't exist. No mention of this sandwich on their website. It's like I ate a GHOST SANDWICH. Was the indigestion I experienced afterwards from The Other Side, too? Eeep.

Redeeming values: I find their wraps' (any sub can be made into a wrap) tortilla thing, which is a strange gluey substance similar in taste and consistency to papier-mâché, oddly appealing. It's either an acquired taste, I have a cardboard deficiency, or I was a termite in a past life. I also appreciate their creative use of pickles in their salads. If you ask me, there is no better place for a cold, dead, briney cucumber than a nice head of Iceberg.

Calories for Who-Gives-A-Shit: ??? Since ghost sandwiches have no caloric value, we can eat them with impunity.

WENDY'S - Mozzarrella Chicken Supreme
I felt that I should give Wendy's my patronage because of that jerk-ette who put a finger in their chili, so it is with a heavy heart that I must say I was not impressed with this sandwich. And that is a lot, coming from me, to say about anything that is fried, with cheese and mayonnaise.

It is supposed to contain mozzarella, but as a certifiable cheese expert, I was forced to conclude that is was NOT mozz, but an artificially mozz-flavored Kraft Single. This depresses me deeply. I am one sad fattie.

Redeeming values: Hey, free finger!
Calories for Who-Gives-A-Shit: As this is a promotional item, I was unable to find that info. Aha! Another ghost-wich = 0 calories. (In that case, I'll have another!)

What is it with these fast-food companies trying to get all schmancy with their sandwiches, anyway? The other day, I could have sworn I heard IHOP advertise a sandwich containing brie. Was I hallucinating? NO...! Off to IHOP. Hope it's not plastic brie.


EL POLLO LOCO - New Chicken Verde Quesadilla
Not bad, (cheese), not bad at all...but as a faux Tejana, I must say Not. Greasy. Enough. I dig on green chilis, though. Breaks up the grease. Or, as my family in Texas says, "what're them GREEN THANGS?!"

Calories for Who-Gives-A-Shit: 651, 27g fat.

Redeeming values: I'd rather have had the Grilled Fiesta Burrito, which has crunchy bits of tortilla in it and a creamy chipotle sauce which makes a most excellent creamy spooge-stain on your un-creamy "Dry Clean Only" blouse, for a whopping...

Calories for Who-Gives-A-Shit: 1,253, 74g's of fat. ZE WEENNA...!

PIZZA HUT - ¡Quepapas!
(More racially targeted advertising for Dirty Dan! I.e. if you're brown, you should eat this.) I believe they call these "Jalapeno Poppers" elsewhere, so as not to confuse de white folk. Who might be rather alarmed if they knew ¡que papas! translates poorly, as what potatoes! or alternatively, THAT POPES!* I shit you not, Google told me so.

*I don't know if that means you should chuck them at the Pope, but I'm sure he wouldn't mind as they are not as bland as The Jesus. However, they might leave a nasty stain on his glam pageant dress.

And eerily, they aren't even mentioned on Pizza Hut's website unless you register and login as a SoCal resident. Spooooky. Are these really regionally and racially targeted? Are they Soylent Green? Are they Pope Soylent Green?! Do they contain secret contraceptives in a covert operation by the CIA? If so, good idea...!

I mean, aherm...

Supposedly a "bite sized potato cruncher filled with cheese and a hint of jalapeño." In actuality, a glorified Tater Tot with what tastes more like mild green chili than jalapeño. Still pretty tasty, however.

I would advise getting delivery, though. I would advise not walking up to a not so much dine-in as delivery Hut, though, or your cheesy potato thingers will take way too long and you will come out smelling like a cheesy Pizza Slut who's just had an illicit act with a vat of Parmesan and some breadsticks.

Redeeming values: You smell like a cheesy slut who's just had an illicit act with a vat of Parmesan and some breadsticks.

Calories for Who-Gives-A-Shit: 140, 8 from fat. I suspect this is wrong (see: Jalapeno Popper Conspiracy. I think this is per every two "poppers"/"crunchers"/¡Quepapas!)

Jesu Crispy.

I hope this has been of some assistance to you. I know it has "helped" mine.

Fatilly yours,


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