Wednesday, April 06, 2005


Oy vey.

Yesterday I was on the phone non-stop wit de fambly. It gave me the spilkes. This is the Yiddish equivalent of ants in the pants.

My grandpa, he also has the spilkes. The spilkes in his legs. He has had them since he got out of the hospital. It is driving him crazy. So that conversation didn't last long, because of the spilkes.

My mother also gives me the spilkes. We went fifteen rounds yesterday on the phone because, according to her, I did not tell her I was coming for Passover. According to me, I did. Now, I know I did. She does not. This scares me. For her health. For her brain. Maybe she has mental spilkes.

I remember the whole conversation. Possibly more than one. She claims not only to not remember I told her, but also not to remember any of these conversations. I also suspect, but do not know, that she had, or has been, drinking. Wonderful. The spilkes in a bottle - or in her case, a box. Please excuse me for a moment.

If I could save spilkes in a bottle
The first thing I’d not like to do
Is to spend every day
Till eternity passes away
Just to argue with you

If I had a box (wine) just for bitches
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty
Except for the memory
Of how they were ruined by you...

Erm. Sorry. Mother-daughter thing.

I wonder how I can stay somewhere else without offending her, because lately she's been giving me hella-spilkes. That is, for you goyim, A PAIN IN THE SNOOPY.

My aunt, a former nun, also has the spilkes now because she is concerned about me taking the camioneta (interesting family, I know) from the airport to the house, to see the grandpa. The grandpa with the spilkes. She is all, "ay, Peeser, no! Es muy peligroso!" Apparently the camioneta, she drives too fast. I tried to essplain that even as we spoke, I was on a city bus, so ay am not afraid of no damn shuttle van, Loocey. But she would not hear of it. She is going to drive six hours round trip, just to get me from de gob-domn airport, because of the spilkes. Hokay, es her funeral.

Meanwhile, I have the spilkes in my ass, because of my boss, and in my neck, because of the farkuckt auto accident, con guacamole. Now I am having to take de muscle relaxer, and las pastillas de ibuprofén. For my headache. ("May cause severe headache"!) Oy! and stiff neck ("may cause very stiff neck")!
Oy! ¡Ay...! And the combination of the two may have the additional side effects:

Diarrhea, constipation, difficulty urinating, dark urine, black stools, ringing in the ears, loss of coordination (didn't have it to begin with), yellowing of the eyes or skin, (I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so), mental changes (?!), sudden or unexplained weight gain (uh-oh), vomit that looks like coffee grounds (!?!)

Hey! They left out the spilkes.

¡Ay, que lastima! Oy vey.


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