Thursday, May 26, 2005


Ever wanted to get all of your least favorite songs together into one rockin' collection, so that you could physically burn them all at once - but that would cost you hundreds of dollars!?

Well, now you can have the world's most annoying songs all in one great CD set for only $19.95!

You can't buy this in stores!

The Pissed Kitty™, together with Time-Life® Records, bring you the The Bipolar Collection: Music to Slit Your Wrists By - ass seen on TV's American Idol!

1. Free Bird by Leh-Nerd Skin-Nerd on endless loop! This song still makes me want to off myself every time.

2. Bidi Bidi Bom Bom by the dead Selena! If she wasn't already dead, wouldn't you would want to find out where she lives, and wring her tiny Latina neck with a concho belt...?

3. Do You (YOU!) Feel Like I Do? by Peter "Look at My Pants Bulge" Frampton! When it gets to the part with the devil-voice harmonizer, you'll want to die all over again...! Just like back in the good ol' days!

4. Afternoon Delight - my friend, in her impressionable childhood, loved this song. She used to pretend like she was a "sky-rocket in flight." Little did she know, it was referring to nasty, smelly, hairy man-parts. It ruined her innocence and for that, I hate this song.

5. That Dog by Dangerous Toys. Chances are, you do not know who this is. Good. But let me assure you, it is the worst song ever: That dog-!/He's in a fog-!/But in the dark/he's a hungry shark. That dog/that dog/that dog! Watch his eyes turn whii-yi-yiiite, GET FUNKY! ...see? Can't you just hear the longhairdeded stoner dude sitting around, counting on his fingers, "uh...dog...fog...(bong gurgling)...frog...uh...clog..."?

5.5. Footloose by Kenny Loggins. He is in the Paul Stanley/Bob Seger Hair Club for Men of Over-enthusiastic Singers. Also, I hate feet, and the last thing I want to think about is Kevin Bacon. Therefore, I hate Footloose. Stupid word.

6. Anything by Bob Seger. God, I hate him. He just sounds like a hairy guy in a white polyester suit with a puffy beard and mustache, spraying spittle in the air with his over-enthusiastic "singing". His "Katmandu", which is sadly inferior to Cat Steven's, has that dumb stoner rhyming thing: I think I'm going to Katmandu/That's really, really where I'm going to/If I ever get out of here/That's what I'm gonna do/K-K-K-K-K Katmandu...ugh. This is so bad, it gives me the shit shivers. I especially loathe "Hollywood Nights." And those Hollywood nights/In those Hollywood Hills/she was lookin' so right/in her diamonds and frills! Uh, no. I have news for you, Bob. Women in Hollywood wear ultrasuede Juicy Couture sweatpants and Ugg boots. Now go rinse the spittle out of your mustache.

7. Can't Get You Out of My Head - Kylie Minogue. Sorry, Mange, I agree, her ass is hypnotic - but I can't handle the "la la la's". Also, this ran during a Bally's commercial, which gives me bad flashbacks from when I used to frequent their Hollywood location, which smelled like rotten egg and featured naked, Asian women with cellulite who did everything naked (even weighing themselves), illegal nudity in the sulfurous sauna, lecherous Russian men, and "No Spitting" signs everywhere.

8. You Make Me Wanna La-La by The Dread Butt Pirate, Ashlee Simpson - what a fucking stupid song. I've never actually heard it, but if and when I do, I will start biting people and will have to be put down. You know I can't handle alien-looking chicks singing "la-la." And that effing Teletubby makes me homicidal, too.

9. The entirety of Paris Hilton's yet-to-be-released album is featured in this collection, because it will make you want to pick up your homicidal, axe-wielding self and dance, until you mercifully slip and axe your own head.

10. Anything by No Doubt's Gwen Stefani - Sorry. I generally like her songs the first 9600 times I hear them, but that affected, faux Hispanic thing she does with her voice (jou wewee wuv me) makes me mental. I think she got it from Madonna, who used to do the same thing.

11. (This one goes to eleven!") Mystery bonus track ca. 1988! Bad sexist metal lyrics galore! The likes of Geoff Tate and Yngwie Malmsteen's vocalists are guaranteed to make your head explode!

12. It Must Have Been Love - but it's over now. Because I found out who sings this, and mangled her for causing my bipolar disorder to kick in every time I hear this in the grocery store, and am not carrying my lithium.

13. Ironically named Sublime's "Caress Me Down", with World's Most Disgusting Lyrics: so she told me to come over and I took that trip/and then she pulled out my mushroom tip/and when it came out it went drip drip drip (BARF!)/y su hermana si me quiere y ahorita tenemos un bebé (English translation: nice to meet ya my name's Bradley I'm hornier than Ron Jeremy/on the other side is where I used to live/with my girlfriend named Mixie/and her sister if she wants me/and now we have a baby)?! YUK.

Plus, wel'll throw in an additional volume of Mexican Rap, the most annoying music in the WORLD!

Only $19.95 (payable in four easy installments), for the entire contents of four albums - WHAT A BARGAIN! Buy one for your parole officer, your dentist, your ex-wife - anyone you want to kick off - today-! Quantities are limited because the people on the production line keep snuffing themselves out!!!

Next time on Infomercial Planet, we bring you Songs That Make Pisser Jump Up and Down.


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