Friday, May 06, 2005


Here we go again, with the too much TV I shouldn't be watching anyway problem, but I have several new commercials irritating the lining of my colon, which I think is starting to excrete some kind of horrible substance which will eventually explode out of my behind in an evil rage and will have such horrendous ammonia fumes, it will finally, mercifully, make me go blind, so I can't watch this shit anymore.

Take for instance this commercial for some sort of vehicle. Notice I have not even retained the name of said vehicle, such is my irritation. The song is "Molly Chambers", a song I once liked but have grown to hate. The reason is this infuriating couple who are dancing obnoxiously to said song in their apartment, and then in their new home, the premise being that they are all grown up...hence the new car.

Not only does this not make sense, as
1) they look fucking twelve, and
2) not old enough to own a home, and
3) as a SoCal resident, I have been programmed to hate anyone that young who owns a home, for as long as I stay out here I will never be able to afford one, and
4) they are ugly, and
5) they dance like total spazmos.

He doesn't bother me so much as the girl, who needs some sort of shnozzectomy immediately to fix her face. She looks like what happened when a witch had a child out-of-wedlock with a Ramone. I hate her. But not as much as I hate her dancing. Who the fuck jumps up and down as if they are trying to stomp through the floor like Rumplestiltskin when they dance? Not anyone I know. This is beyond pogoing. Calm the fuck down, Witchy Ramone. Take some Ritalin, already.

If I were her downstairs neighbor, I would definitely kill her by stepping on her neck and sucking her intestines out of her butthole with a plunger.


The second is the commercial for an unknown tampon (you see how effective these are at brand name retention - they should go back to using jingles, honestly. But can you imagine having a tampon jingle stuck in your head? Shudder.) Unless I hallucinated this, the Unknown Tampon was shown blooming. F---ing BLOOMING.

Okay, it may look like a flower, but anything made out of absorbent material that is shoved up a menstruating vagina does NOT bloom. NO. IT DOES NOT, Mr. Weirdo Perv Advertising Person! Not even if you use those aromatherapy puss-chouli, labiander, allhole-vera floral toilet-water scented ones! Not unless you are on the brown acid-! The vagina does NOT flower, bear fruit, or become fragrant or attractive in any way during this "special" time. If you are male, or a preadolescent female, or a mighty hermaphrodite, or anyone who hasn't had their ENDOMETRIUM FALL OUT OF THEM IN TWISTED CLOTS THROUGH THEIR VAGINA lately, well...

You do not want to know what happens to it.
Thank you.


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