Friday, May 06, 2005


I was ordering flowers from 1-800-MOM-GILT, for Mother's Day, you know.

When it got to the part of the order where you can write a short message for the card, it gave me the option to insert some of their sentiments in case I couldn't be bothered to come up with my own. How nice of them. Only trouble is, their emoting is a bunch of bull hock which I think must have been written by a hilarious gay, Hispanic teenager somewhere.

Here, I have rewritten them for accuracy.

When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.

My god, she was a pain in the ass.

May you find peace and strength in knowing an angel has been called home.

Thankfully she is dead now.

May strength and love surround you during this difficult time.

Perhaps now you can finally get laid. Preferably by an older woman with a snug, toned vagina.

May you all find comfort and strength in the warmth and caring of family and friends.

And very, very inebriated.

Our hearts are sad that we can not be there to comfort you. Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

Here, instead, is a male stripper.

Thinking of you in this time of grief for your lost friend.

What you don't know yet is that we buried your dog in a dumpster.

Losing a beloved pet can be so difficult and painful! I hope the companionship you shared will become a warm memory in the years to come

How sad. He is gone and yet, the smell remains.

There is nothing quite like the unconditional love that comes from a special pet. I know that you are missing that, and my thoughts are with you.

Also, just because he has "passed on" does not mean that you shouldn't do something about his litter box.

Although we can't be together our hearts still beat as one. Happy Anniversary.

Hello. I am now fucking a prostitute named Kiki provided by the convention.

I love you more than any words could ever say. I love you for just being you. All the love my heart can handle. Forever and always I want to be right there by your side.

You are a horrible, awful woman. I am not sure how I am going to get away from you yet, but I am thinking...always thinking.

I never dreamed that one touch could change my life until you took my hand in yours.

I never dreamed that the condom would break.

Our love is a journey, with a beginning but no end. We will walk the path together forever

Oh, shit. I am so totally fucked.

We may not have it altogether [sic] but together we have it all!

This is me, your trapped husband-to-be, kissing 50% of his earnings goodbye.

What we have cannot be torn apart, we are one. Your love and support has made my life possible. Your love defines me. Your love sustains me. On this day, I love you now more than ever.

I really do not want to lose the house.

Another year gone by already? Feels like we just met!


For my darling on our anniversary. I love you!

Thank God for the pre-nup.

Our love is a journey, with a beginning but no end. We will walk the path together forever ...

You have a horrible disease and are going to die soon. PARTAAAAAAY....!

You are my angel that was sent from the heavens above to protect me from any pain or hurt. You are all I want in this world, you're my life.

Oh, give me a fucking break. And your money. All of it.

(Divorced and Remarried)

We're making it work this time, and I thank you for making the last year such a happy time of my life.

Sorry I made you leave your last spouse and now your kids hate you.

Here and now it is our time, a new chance to love and learn, to grow together and celebrate our life together. Happy Anniversary

Did you know that the chances of a marriage working are inversely proportionate to your number of marriages? You're down to about 0.2%.

I never thought that I'd ever be here, married and happy and celebrating an anniversary already.

What the hell happened?! I got a stiffy and boom, new wife.

Baby I know I'm not there for these special moments, and it seems longer everyday it pass [sic]. But I am thinking of you everyday more. Happy Anniversary!

Shit. I really should have kept it in my pants.

(Same sex couple)

Happy anniversary to my life partner, my life friend.

Bend over, bitch!

I do swear that I will always be there. I'd give anything and everything and I will always care. For better for worse, I will love you with every beat of my heart. Happy 5 years baby :)

I am a gay Hispanic male and I loathe myself.

May your anniversary be happy and gay!

Can you believe I got this slogan off 1-800-FLOWERS.com?!

Hey beautiful.. you know who this is and you know what day this is.. I love you. Happy Anniversary!

No, he really doesn't! Gay men are very promiscous!


Here and now it is our time, a new chance to love and learn, to grow together and celebrate our life together. Happy Anniversary

We are two lesbians, both on the rag. Of all the rotten luck...

All the best days I've spent in this world are the days I've spent with you! Happy Anniversary!

Most of the crap days were your fault, too.

Friends and family, love and laughter. Hugs and kisses, Fairytales and living happily ever after. These are just a few specials things that go together and stay together. Just like you and your love.

What the f...WHO WROTE THIS SHIT?!

If I had a star for everytime you brightened my day, I'd be holding the galaxy in my hands!

If I had an anal fissure for every time we...I wouldn't be able to poop.

It's still a mystery to me, I haven't got a clue, how I got so lucky and found you!

He really hasn't got a clue
Why he puts up with you
Because you are fucking annoying
And he hates you
But wants something warm
to stick it in.


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