*Pisser actually has no idea what she thinks about these movies, because she hasn't had time to see an actual movie since South Pacific came out. She is just making shit up again. We apologize. Please disregard. - Ed.

1. Kingdom of Heaven - wha...?

2. Monster-In-Law - Uh, no. Just...no.

3. Crash - Jaysus, cripes. I worked on this back in 2003 (?) Is it still not out? Wait...is that Matt Dillon? Well, then! Holy fuck almighty, I've wet myself. I've had a massive, throbbing crush on Matt ever since I pubertated to Little Darlings (1980). Two thumbs up...never mind what they're up.

4. House of Wax - As much as I'd enjoy seeing Paris Hilton die, H-to-the-El NO. Isn't it bad enough that we'll have to be seeing her skanky ass in a Carl's Jr. (King of Bad Ideas) commercial, saying "that's hot" (is this the only line she can ever memorize?) Die, Paris, die. You are about as sexy as Molluscum contagiosum. What-? No, I'm not going to tell you! You have it - YOU go look it up. I did not come here to discuss your venereal diseases. Now please go away. Far, far away. Like, Poland.

5. Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Some of my esteemed colleagues worked on this, and from listening to the soundtrack over and over, I can tell you...it will make you laugh. It will make you cry. But mostly cry. What did you really expect from a screenplay written by one of the Ephron sisters? There is so much estrogen in this film, you will spontaneously start to menstruate even if you are a guy.

You were warned.

Stay tuned for more! Or, not.