Monday, May 16, 2005
THE WORST BUS STOP IN THE WORLD
Is at the corner of Western and Slauson.
Do not ever go there. Especially at night.
It is at the junction of a Food 4 Less, a McDonald's, a Big Lots, and Home Depot. This produces the ideal climate for a cockroach breeding ground.
I was standing there last night, late. Too late. The cockroaches were running wild in the street, wild in the city. I was wearing backless shoes, and had to keep shifting my weight just to keep one from running up my pants leg. There was nothing to do except keep changing feet like a dog on hot pavement because the bench was full of gangbangers. And the timetable for the bus warned that it might take up to an hour to actually show up and rescue me from the roach equivalent of DisneyLand.
Then, it got worse.
The roaches started gathering into clumps, fanning their wings, and backing up to one another like semis (they were THAT LARGE). I think I faintly heard "bleep...bleep...bleep" noises as they went into reverse. It was then that I realized, to my horror, that I was about to see ROACH FUCKING.
I did not ever want to witness this particular miracle of nature.
But just in case you were wondering, roaches are very promiscuous. They basically all pile onto each other until the pile gets so large that some of them fall off and run, skittering, STRAIGHT FOR MY PANTS LEG. That's right, flying, possibly PREGNANT roaches were HEADED RIGHT FOR US! None of the gangbangers seemed to care. I think even las cucarachas knew I was a stupid honky and a huge, white, squishy target way the hell out of her element, and apparently this made them horny.
The cockroach orgy I was watching - I did not want to be watching, but I had to keep tabs on them at all times lest they decide the crotch of my pants was a much cushier sexual Romper Room. GAH! - well, some of the roaches must have gotten their rocks off, because the roachpile eventually petered out to a threesome. Great. The two mating back to back were intercepted by the third, who kept shoving his roach penis...I CAN NOT BELIEVE I SAW ROACH PENIS...into their clutch.
Okay, so roaches don't have penises, per se, but still...GROSS.
Eventually the bus came. Unfortunately, this was not much of an improvement.
A man with a wheelchair got into a screaming argument with the bus driver. Apparently, he felt slighted in some way, perhaps by the bus driver ignoring him. Which I don't quite understand how he could tell, condsidering the nature of his supposed ailment. Anyway their charming discourse went something like this:
CRAZY CRIP: I'm in a WHEELCHAIR!
BUS DRIVER: I DON'T CARE-!
CC: I'm BLIND...!
BUS DRIVER: I DON'T CARE-!
CC: You wouldn't STOP for me!
BD: You on the bus NOW, aint'cha?
CC: I have PAPERS right here! Sayin' I'm BLIND-!
BD: I DON'T CARE!!!
CC: BUT I GOT THE PAPERWORK HERE-!
BD: I DON'T CARE TO KNOW!
CC: You were talkin' about me-!
BD: I WASN'T TALKIN' ABOUT YOU!
CC: You WERE talkin' 'bout me not bein' BLIND!
BD: I SAY WHATEVER I CARE TO SAY! IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT WHY DON'T YOU GET OFF MY BUS?!
CC: YOU WAS TALKIN' ABOUT ME! I'M BLIND! You shoulda known due to the nature of my...
BD: That's IT! EVERYBODY OFF!
ME: Wha?! Praying...please don't leave me in this godforsaken hole of a cockroach-infested...
BD: Gets off and smokes a cigarette. I'm not gonna listen to that all the way to Hollywood.
CC: Gets off. Thank G*#d.
ME: To driver, at my stop Thank you. RESPECKT!
BD: Shht. Stupid honky.
Wonderful. I don't think he was really blind, but he was craaaayzay. The bus driver was also craaaaayzay - occupational hazard, I'm sure. Even the cockroaches had stopped happily clusterfucking and were in shock (they were hitching a ride to the Sunset 5 because they wanted to see Layer Cake.)
And that was seriously my worst night ever in L.A. It was almost enough to send me running, screaming for Flatonia, TX where I'd have 3.5 kids (one would be a half-wit), a double wide, and a dog with worms that'd drag its mangey ass around the dirt yard. Anything but crazy people and rampant cockroach sex.
Never again. Never.
THE WORST BUS STOP IN THE WORLDDo not ever go there. Especially at night.
It is at the junction of a Food 4 Less, a McDonald's, a Big Lots, and Home Depot. This produces the ideal climate for a cockroach breeding ground.
I was standing there last night, late. Too late. The cockroaches were running wild in the street, wild in the city. I was wearing backless shoes, and had to keep shifting my weight just to keep one from running up my pants leg. There was nothing to do except keep changing feet like a dog on hot pavement because the bench was full of gangbangers. And the timetable for the bus warned that it might take up to an hour to actually show up and rescue me from the roach equivalent of DisneyLand.
Then, it got worse.
The roaches started gathering into clumps, fanning their wings, and backing up to one another like semis (they were THAT LARGE). I think I faintly heard "bleep...bleep...bleep" noises as they went into reverse. It was then that I realized, to my horror, that I was about to see ROACH FUCKING.
I did not ever want to witness this particular miracle of nature.
But just in case you were wondering, roaches are very promiscuous. They basically all pile onto each other until the pile gets so large that some of them fall off and run, skittering, STRAIGHT FOR MY PANTS LEG. That's right, flying, possibly PREGNANT roaches were HEADED RIGHT FOR US! None of the gangbangers seemed to care. I think even las cucarachas knew I was a stupid honky and a huge, white, squishy target way the hell out of her element, and apparently this made them horny.
The cockroach orgy I was watching - I did not want to be watching, but I had to keep tabs on them at all times lest they decide the crotch of my pants was a much cushier sexual Romper Room. GAH! - well, some of the roaches must have gotten their rocks off, because the roachpile eventually petered out to a threesome. Great. The two mating back to back were intercepted by the third, who kept shoving his roach penis...I CAN NOT BELIEVE I SAW ROACH PENIS...into their clutch.
Okay, so roaches don't have penises, per se, but still...GROSS.
Eventually the bus came. Unfortunately, this was not much of an improvement.
A man with a wheelchair got into a screaming argument with the bus driver. Apparently, he felt slighted in some way, perhaps by the bus driver ignoring him. Which I don't quite understand how he could tell, condsidering the nature of his supposed ailment. Anyway their charming discourse went something like this:
CRAZY CRIP: I'm in a WHEELCHAIR!
BUS DRIVER: I DON'T CARE-!
CC: I'm BLIND...!
BUS DRIVER: I DON'T CARE-!
CC: You wouldn't STOP for me!
BD: You on the bus NOW, aint'cha?
CC: I have PAPERS right here! Sayin' I'm BLIND-!
BD: I DON'T CARE!!!
CC: BUT I GOT THE PAPERWORK HERE-!
BD: I DON'T CARE TO KNOW!
CC: You were talkin' about me-!
BD: I WASN'T TALKIN' ABOUT YOU!
CC: You WERE talkin' 'bout me not bein' BLIND!
BD: I SAY WHATEVER I CARE TO SAY! IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT WHY DON'T YOU GET OFF MY BUS?!
CC: YOU WAS TALKIN' ABOUT ME! I'M BLIND! You shoulda known due to the nature of my...
BD: That's IT! EVERYBODY OFF!
ME: Wha?! Praying...please don't leave me in this godforsaken hole of a cockroach-infested...
BD: Gets off and smokes a cigarette. I'm not gonna listen to that all the way to Hollywood.
CC: Gets off. Thank G*#d.
ME: To driver, at my stop Thank you. RESPECKT!
BD: Shht. Stupid honky.
Wonderful. I don't think he was really blind, but he was craaaayzay. The bus driver was also craaaaayzay - occupational hazard, I'm sure. Even the cockroaches had stopped happily clusterfucking and were in shock (they were hitching a ride to the Sunset 5 because they wanted to see Layer Cake.)
And that was seriously my worst night ever in L.A. It was almost enough to send me running, screaming for Flatonia, TX where I'd have 3.5 kids (one would be a half-wit), a double wide, and a dog with worms that'd drag its mangey ass around the dirt yard. Anything but crazy people and rampant cockroach sex.
Never again. Never.
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