Thursday, June 23, 2005


I don't get these summer blockbusters. It may be I'm none too swift; it may be I just don't care, but either way, I don't get it.

Sure, I'm very impressed by the special effects. I didn't fall asleep, that's for sure. I mean, FOUR LIGHT SABERS, EXPLOSIONS GALORE, and FIGHTS SO FRANTIC I CAN'T TELL WHO IS HITTING WHO?!? But there are some other points of confusion I would just like to mention. Is it just me, or:

(Star Wars)
Why are there giant hamster wheel-mobiles in space...?

Who is that clunky-walking guy? Where did he come from? Do you fanboys even care, or are you just like, "cooOOOOooool"?

Why are they fighting in HELL? Was that really such a good place to build a place, what with the spewing molten lava, etc.?

Why won't that giant yawping lizard shut up?! Don't you know there will be a video game with a giant, yawping lizard, if there isn't already?! Do you think you will be able to turn the sound on and off so that the yawping is optional...?!

(Batman Begins)

Why is it not okay to kill one criminal, but it is okay to blow up a place containing three dozen people...? Is it because he didn't kill them, he just didn't save them...?

What's with the mask? Wouldn't that compromise his peripheral vision? And is it just me, or do the ears keep getting pointier?

What's with Katie Holmes' head? I think the doctor pinched her too hard with the forceps when she was coming out, and kind of squished her skull and one of her eyes. Which would also explain a lot of things.


I think that from these two fine films we can draw several conclusions about our future in space.

1) In THE FUTURE, everything is shiny. Preferably silver, black, or white.
2) In THE FUTURE, people will get knocked up even though war is waging in their damn house. Perhaps space contraceptives are hard to come by. Can't you just have a douchedroid suck out the spooge...?
3) In THE FUTURE, there will be black and white, but few Asian people, that I can tell. And apparently, the Mexicans have not taken over the Earth, as I had previously envisioned. I'm just talking numbers here.
4) In THE FUTURE, your droid's ass will make strange whistling noises that humans, for some reason, can understand even though it just sounds like a deranged budgerigar to me.
5) In the FUTURE, Dick Cheney will have cryogenically suspended his head and torso, so he is still around and more of a Dick than ever.
6) In THE FUTURE, there are still plenty of sluts who dress like Xtina Aguileralalalala, even though it is very cold.
7) In the FUTURE, people will talk to each other in weird, affected voices with obviously faked sincerity.
8) In the FUTURE, people will wear unflattering headgear, and women will have giant heads they will emphasize with bizarre hairdos. (Apparently, in the FUTURE, having a weird head and/or a wonky eye is considered a mark of great beauty.)

Count me out unless I get a giant, yawping lizard and a bouncy rubber Bat butt and a lollipop and a pony and that crazy guy with the sack on his head and...and...a vibrating droid with six "light sabers" that can also be used to perform partial electrolysis on Chewbacca. He is hot and he never gives you any crap except, "whuuuuuuugh." I like dumb boys.

Together, we will take out all the weird-headed, funky hairdo'ed women and rule over Gotham with an iron hairball.

Whoops, wrong movie.


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