Monday, June 13, 2005


This weekend, I went to see DR. CHANG, CAT OPTOMETRIST! But not before I saw BARRY CRIMMINS, POLITICAL SATIRIST-!

I almost didn't go see BARRY CRIMMINS, POLITICAL SATIRIST because I also - and I am ashamed to admit this - wanted to watch "The O.C.". And I was going to watch it in the dressing room, which BARRY CRIMMINS, POLITICAL SATIRIST would be using. I did not think BARRY CRIMMINS, POLITICAL SATIRIST would want to watch "The O.C.".

So I taped it.

BARRY CR...ah, Barry, was great. I find him quite hilarious despite the fact that he reminds me that George W. Bush is, in fact, President. Here is my favorite quote:

An angry audience member asked, "if you don't love this country, why don't you get out?" Barry replied, "Because I don't want to be victimized by its foreign policy."

Great show, B.C.P.S.! Even a certain gay sponge and a comedian who, in the 80's, ran around in a Godzilla suit screaming, "AARGH! ARRGH! AAARGH...!" showed up! I highly recommend! Also, buy his book...!

Then it was time to see DR. CHANG, CAT OPTOMETRIST! He also sees dogs, maybe turtles for all I know, but that just doesn't sound as funny as CAT OPTOMETRIST!

I almost couldn't find D.C., C.O. because do you have any idea how many optometrists named Chang are in the L.A. area?!

But I did. I did see DR. CHANG, CAT OPTOMETRIST! I loved him but hated his receptionist, who treated me like the lowest common denominator just 'cuz my cat wasn't wearing a Prada Arompatherapy Semi-Precious Gemstone-Encrusted collar, but fuck her. See, Keith, this is why I hate West L.A. I don't belong there. I'm not allowed. There's no parking, and you get treated like crap just 'cuz you don't have pet insurance and you have to valet it just to go to the 711.

The vet had a valet but I parked at the meter because I'm ghetto like that.

My cat, Iddy, was singing "Take Me to the Specialist" by the Dead Milkmen ("I hear weasels...! I hear weasels...! I...HEAR...WEASELS!") but the actual reason we were at the vet was to see if he had gone blind and had hairy paws from too much masturbating or if I was just a bad mom because I hadn't noticed my cat was blind and kept running into things; I just thought he was stoopid. And funny-looking. (See? I'm a good mom.)

So DR. CHANG, CAT OPTOMETRIST took Iddy's blood pressure (on his tail!) and turned the lights on and off and waved his hands around in front of Iddy's face while making stupid noises and Iddy went, "prrp?" The good doctor then put a tiny condom on a little monitor and gave Id some anesthetic so he could take his eye pressure....hooray! No glaucoma! No kitty hypertension, either - the problem was simply genetic. Possibly, Iddy's kitty father had fucked his sister or something. That would also essplain why he is so estoopid-! Thank you, Dr. Chang, for absolving me of guilt, and for taking precautions to protect my cat from eye herpes...!

Now my mom thinks I'm an idiot for taking my cats for eye and dental appointments, but the guilt is so not worth the money I would save if I didn't do anything. Plus I would rather shell out dough on cats any day than spend it on evil spawn, plus I don't have to have my vag torn open in the process. Hooray...!

Two thumbs up for un-torn vaginas, BARRY CRIMMINS, POLITICAL SATIRIST and DR. CHANG, CAT OPTOMETRIST (except not from Iddy. He doesn't have thumbs.)



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