I don't know about you guys, but I've noticed a running theme here.

I'm not just talking about the Runaway Bride, though I can't imagine why anyone would want to marry that beady-eyed, squirrel-lookin' nut job, either.

It's just all the women I know who are getting married are insane in the (mucous) membrane. Not to mention that several of them are downright homely, but that's beside the point.

Girl who looks like The California Raisins got together and had a baby after abusing meth for about ten years? Married.

Mary Kay Letourneau (now Fualaau)? Oy vay.

Mary? Married to God. Jesus.

Former Miss Republic of Cuervo Gold, Anna Nicole Smith? Twice married.

Girl I know who would get the squirts whenever she got upset, which was often? Married.

Woman who spends most of her time listening to sappy chick music and weeping, also married.

Shannen Doherty? Married, married.

Ted Bundy? You guessed it.

A girl I know who dissects & takes Polaroid pictures of her own poo? Married.

So I'm thinking that in order to be someone's lawfully wedded wife, I need to either pull some massive stunt or else turn up the volume on my Crazyometer to eleven. Right now it's only about a 9.5.

I'm also starting to respect the honesty of personal ads. No, I've never put one out there except as a joke. But if I did, it might look something like this:

SWV SEEKS SUV (IN PANTS)
Hello. I have a vagina. Do you have a penis...?

Good.

I'm kidding.
Well, maybe not in 5 years, I'm not.