Monday, July 18, 2005


Okay, these things are hard evidence that I'm turning into my Grandma Esther, but I don't care. They are freaking infuriating.

1) Restaurants Which Don't Let You Have Anything That is on the Menu. This makes me go fucking bonky because you know the one thing I was interested in is only going to be served after 3 PM (brunch) and before 4 PM (because apparently, there is one guy who thinks dinner should be served at 4:30).

For chrissakes, people. Use separate menus if you don't want your patrons to stab you with a dirty butter knife. Or just walk out, which is what I would do if I had my druthers.

Also, places which keep things on their menu WHICH THEY NEVER HAVE should be shot and hung out to dry over their disused waffle irons. TAKE THAT SHIT OFF THE MENU if you aren't going to serve it, you withholding assholes. I know you only keep it on there to torment us. Get some freaking Liquid Paper and cross it out, I don't care.

On one of my first trips to California, I almost started crying because the waiter at Millie's "Service with a 'Fuck You'" positively snarled at me. I guess I was supposed to know they didn't serve pancakes on Saturday (wha...?) That and the fact that I once found a dreadlock in my omelette makes me hope that the health department shut them down forever right after spitting in their grungy faces.

2.) Places of Business Which Lock Their Restrooms. I know this is L.A., and if office buildings, bookstores, etc. left their bathrooms wide open, ten homeless people would immediately move in and squat in the joint, grocery carts full of miscellaneous, malodorous shit and all. But honestly, people. When you've gotta go, you've gotta go. Particularly the elderly, like me, do not want to be running for the border, thinking they are going to make it to the can in time, only to be faced with a locked door - and then having to run around with their legs crossed, hopping up and down, to three different desks before they finally locate The Unholy Desk of The Ungodly Dispenser of Restroom Tokens, only to learn that this hateful person has just gone on break.

Do NOT do this to me, establishments. I'm not naming names (Borders), but unless you WANT me to soil your brand-new ugly-assed carpet right next to the Health and Well-Being section...and I just ate Korean again, so this is no idle threat.

By the time Grandma Esther and I are through with you, you will learn to design your stores with the restrooms on the ground floor, right next to the entrance. Or ELSE you will SUFFER...substantial carpet-cleaning bills.

Thank you.


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