I'm sorry, but I am going to have to complain about my family now. You can go if you want.

The provocation for this poo explosion was my mother's birthday, which was yesterday. Can her family not be shitty to her, just for one day...? No.

This will sound harsh, but you'll see why.

My mother has four sisters and no brothers. I have no idea why, they're not Catholic or anything. (In fact, I don't know what the hell they are, because we're such heathens.) Apparently, nobody taught them how to share. They fight like pit bull puppies and there's never enough of anything to go around.

Sucked for my grandma. The last two were basically twins, born less than a year apart. I think they were both a mistake. This is probably why my grandmother tried to shoot herself in the head that time.

Mom is the oldest, and the only one who isn't married anymore and doesn't have any family of her own (me) in the area. She is also the one who takes care of my grandparents most of the time. Sucks for her.

These are her ugly, I mean, other sisters:

1) Stuffy: A lawyer. My grandma's obvious favorite. Does she have to rub it in...? Moved out of town so she can still pretend to be the good daughter while staying the f--- away.

2) Fluffy: The whiniest person on Earth. Seems really unpleasant, but this is just her normal personality. How she has such a nice husband is beyond me. Tries to tell my mom what to do from Colorado. She keeps a safe distance to avoid having to clean up any poo.

3) Muffy: Control freak and the owner of an master's in family therapy (oh, the irony). She is really f---ed up, but doesn't know it. Has a giant head. Thinks she is the boss of everything. Also has screwed me over on multiple occasions. Once came all the way out to L.A. and was happy to take my Disneyland tickets, but didn't even stop to say "hi" for 5 mins. And she was just 2 blocks away.

4) Shit-for-Brains: My grandma even says she ran out of brains when she got to Girl #5. Married a truck driver, screwed that up by cheating with Blowhard the Wonder Windbag, had 4 kids, stays at home and complains and cries poor while blowing their wad on an above-ground pool at Wal-Mart. Has 30 dogs and a ferret, plus some turtles she stole from a state park, and decorates their house with crap and Confederate flags. F---ing kill me. And by the way, her husband told my cousin his black girlfriend wasn't allowed in the house. And my mom's boss is employing another of the boys this summer and now Blowhard is mad 'cuz he really wanted his stepson to go get himself killed in Iraq as soon as possible. I guess he figures that way he can buy more Copenhagen and beer. That alimony ain't gonna pay itself.

Oh, and between them, there are about 20 thankless grandkids who come over, eat all their food, break things, and then leave without offering to take out the trash or put down the toilet seat or anything which would help save my crippled grandparents 30 mins. of extreme pain and exertion.

Nice family, huh...?

Anyway, I'm going to fly Mom out as soon as I can for a vacation away from this crap. Her uncle is terminally ill but well enough to travel I guess so he was coming to see my grandma, etc. in San Antonio, but Ugly Sister #1 (Stuffy) hijacked him out from under them and now he's flying to Ft. Worth, instead. How do you hijack an octogenarian in a wheelchair?! Well, they did.

Stuffy: You can come, too...

Yeah, right. Who would take care of my poop-flinging grandpa?! My mom, again?

Stuffy: Oh, no. Fluffy's flying in to stay with Daddy.

Great, Stuffy. Nice of you to tell that to my mom. Obviously you planned this whole bullshit shenanigan behind her back. By the way, I hate you. And I hope Grandpa has the squirts when Fluffy comes to visit, and all the local drugstores are sold out of adult diapers. It'd serve her right.

Now Mom is terribly disappointed that she doesn't get to see Unc so I'm bringing her to San Diego. Oh, and last week, her other douchebag of a sister (Muffy) talked my grandma out of letting Mom's boss rent the shop, which has only been gathering dust since my grandpa became legally blind and senile, so my mom could work over at my grandparents'.

They would have made $$$ off of it (they're not well-off) and then instead of having to run all over tarnation, my mom would be there (again) the next time my grandpa decides to poo on the floor and then slip and fall and wallow in it, so my mom twists her knee trying to pick him up, but she can't do it, so they call 911, and they get him up, then she gets him bathed but still has Grandpa poo all over her, so she gags and throws up on herself, but NO.

Even that is not enough for them.

Ugly sister #3 MUST BE IN CONTROL. I guess my mom didn't ask for her permission, first. Who died and made her Grandma...? Bitch.

I hate them, they are horrible to her. They all have husbands and families of their own to boss around, which is their own stupid fault for being lame enough to live with them. My mom can't help being related to these crappy people; she has no one. Why they can't show her an ounce of consideration when she is the one taking care of their parents 90% of the time, I have no idea.

She makes me glad to be an only child. Of hers. That we know of.