Monday, July 11, 2005


Today was my first day riding my beautiful new bike, Marilyn, to work.

She is so pretty that I chain her to the futon even when she is indoors. She sleeps in my bed. The cats are very confused.

I'm still wobbly, but I made it to work in a respectable 30 mins. and it was certainly better than standing on the corner like a two-bit whore waiting for the bus which never comes.

Yesterday I gave her a trial run. Her maiden voyage was through kind of an inner-city area and I felt bad for sullying her in this manner, but it was a good indication of what is in store for me when I take a wrong turn at Albuquerque.

I like riding a bike much better than walking because it is faster and I don't have to hear all of the disgusting noises people make when they catcall me. Instead of, "WOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOHUBBAHUBBACLANGCLANG*slurp*" now, as I speed by, I just hear "WO-!"


These people are idiots. One man was having a perfectly civilized conversation with a woman when I rode by, so I thought he was cool. But no, he interrupted their discourse to yell, "WHOA, MAMA - WORK IT!" at me. I hope she smacked him if he tried to hit on her after that.

The only really bad part was when I hit a dead end by accident after riding by two flagrant cat-callers and wolf-whistlers; I hardly wanted to turn around so they could do it again. Fortunately, I squirted out through a back alley.

This morning, I stuck to a nicer neighborhood, where my only real adversaries were rich people coming out of their driveways without looking because they can afford the lawsuit after they plaster my ass to the windshield of their Dickmobiles. However.

If you are a homeowner, and have a house next to a sidewalk, it would be really nice if you would trim your hedges so that a normal-sized person on a bicycle can ride under them without being bitch-slapped 99 times in the snoot by your beautiful bougainvillaea. It hurts.

My only other problems are as follows:
a) ramming my foot into unsuspecting objects
b) slow-assed pedestrians with funny butts which look like they've been clinching a turd for the past 30 yrs. who insist on blocking the sidewalk
c) getting nailed by people who open their car doors without looking
d) using both handbrakes at the same time so I do not go plummeting over the handlebars
eeeee!) my butt bouncing comically due to v. comfy springy seat after I hit a speed bump.

Please do not laugh at me and point. Marilyn has feelings, you know.

Thank you.


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