Wednesday, August 10, 2005
OH, MY IBS
People who aggravate my Irritable Bowel Syndrome at work and why:
THE MOM - It's not that I don't like children. I just don't like your children. Please do not bring your spoiled bratchild to work and allow her to hit me (ME! The most destitute, prostitute, person in the building, except for the valet and the janitor) up for money for cheerleading, i.e. Future Sluts of America. "Keeps 'em out of trouble", my ass. Cheerleaders do not need money, they need to have their legs strapped together.
I'm not worried about your daughter, though. She looks like the offspring of Satan's sister and Malachai from Children of the Corn, so as soon as the gets to high school, she will learn she's not pretty and be forced to develop a personality of some sort.
THE COMPLAINER - Oh, for crying out loud. None of her gripes have anything to do with me, but there's no stopping her once she gets started. I've learned to just pretend to be listening and not try to get a word in edgewise. Actually, I can relate, because she sounds just like me if I had no internal editor. And La Menopause.
THE LETCH - Dear Letch. Just because I let you hug me at the company Christmas party, and you just so happen to be the same height as my boobs, does not mean that I want to boink your midget ass or become your Future Ex and take your kids to Chuck Up Cheese someday. Forget about it. You secretly hate women, I can tell.
THE SMARTASS - Last week, he had an entire car delivered here, as if my boss wasn't gonna freak 'cuz he is a Virgo and can't deal when anything is out of place, let alone 3/4ths of a car in parts which suddenly appears in the lobby.
Smartass also is a Republican, even though he looks like the cover of Frampton Comes Alive! except he's balding on top. Also has a mail-order bride who calls and leaves unintelligible messages because she doesn't understand how to use a phone. It's cute.
CAPTAIN HOSTILE - Because he keeps denying what he told me (if you say, "but you told me _________", the response will be "don't challenge me, young lady" (I'm 30)...I'm just going to start recording everything he says. When he fails to remember what his original instructions were, I'm playing 'em back.
CAPTAIN HOSTILE'S KISSASS - I hate to see him encouraging negative traits in this person, who Cap. is obviously grooming to be his replacement. Dude is The Sphincter Police and narcs and squeals at every available opportunity.
Not bad considering my list at Disney was ten times this long. I no longer have to deal with The Tank, The Dragon Lady, or Bitchy Armenian Mom Whose Kid Lives with Her Parents for Some Unknown Reason, or Hyper-Motivated Asian who Works Overtime and Doesn't Charge the Company for It (Making the Rest of Us Look Bad), or Girl Who Goofs Off Constantly and Blatantly Sleeps in Meetings, Yet Gets Away with It While I Get Busted for Having a Particle of Lint on My Blazer.
And at least I'm not still in Texas, and I don't have to work down at the DPS (that's DMV to you Californicates) and sit next to a stinking woman who uses the trash can as a spittoon.
Who are the thorns in your side?
OH, MY IBSTHE MOM - It's not that I don't like children. I just don't like your children. Please do not bring your spoiled bratchild to work and allow her to hit me (ME! The most destitute, prostitute, person in the building, except for the valet and the janitor) up for money for cheerleading, i.e. Future Sluts of America. "Keeps 'em out of trouble", my ass. Cheerleaders do not need money, they need to have their legs strapped together.
I'm not worried about your daughter, though. She looks like the offspring of Satan's sister and Malachai from Children of the Corn, so as soon as the gets to high school, she will learn she's not pretty and be forced to develop a personality of some sort.
THE COMPLAINER - Oh, for crying out loud. None of her gripes have anything to do with me, but there's no stopping her once she gets started. I've learned to just pretend to be listening and not try to get a word in edgewise. Actually, I can relate, because she sounds just like me if I had no internal editor. And La Menopause.
THE LETCH - Dear Letch. Just because I let you hug me at the company Christmas party, and you just so happen to be the same height as my boobs, does not mean that I want to boink your midget ass or become your Future Ex and take your kids to Chuck Up Cheese someday. Forget about it. You secretly hate women, I can tell.
THE SMARTASS - Last week, he had an entire car delivered here, as if my boss wasn't gonna freak 'cuz he is a Virgo and can't deal when anything is out of place, let alone 3/4ths of a car in parts which suddenly appears in the lobby.
Smartass also is a Republican, even though he looks like the cover of Frampton Comes Alive! except he's balding on top. Also has a mail-order bride who calls and leaves unintelligible messages because she doesn't understand how to use a phone. It's cute.
CAPTAIN HOSTILE - Because he keeps denying what he told me (if you say, "but you told me _________", the response will be "don't challenge me, young lady" (I'm 30)...I'm just going to start recording everything he says. When he fails to remember what his original instructions were, I'm playing 'em back.
CAPTAIN HOSTILE'S KISSASS - I hate to see him encouraging negative traits in this person, who Cap. is obviously grooming to be his replacement. Dude is The Sphincter Police and narcs and squeals at every available opportunity.
Not bad considering my list at Disney was ten times this long. I no longer have to deal with The Tank, The Dragon Lady, or Bitchy Armenian Mom Whose Kid Lives with Her Parents for Some Unknown Reason, or Hyper-Motivated Asian who Works Overtime and Doesn't Charge the Company for It (Making the Rest of Us Look Bad), or Girl Who Goofs Off Constantly and Blatantly Sleeps in Meetings, Yet Gets Away with It While I Get Busted for Having a Particle of Lint on My Blazer.
And at least I'm not still in Texas, and I don't have to work down at the DPS (that's DMV to you Californicates) and sit next to a stinking woman who uses the trash can as a spittoon.
Who are the thorns in your side?
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