My mother is coming to visit.

OH, SHIT. Better pay a visit to the Army Navy Surplus.

No, really. She's never been out to see me since I moved to L.A. 8 years ago, and she really needs to get away from the grandpoo (-Carole) of caring for her aged parents and trying to negotiate with her 4 sociopathic sisters. I begged, screamed, wheedled, cried, threatened, and manipulated, so now that she has agreed to let me fly her out, I have to show her a good time. Not the cat-pee soaked, horrid, moth-infested, wet-dog smelling, soggy, all singing, all dancing craptastic spectacular that has recently become of my life.

Got to:

1. Make sure boss doesn't screw me on the time off
2. Buy food (to pretend I can afford such luxury on a regular basis)
3. Litter-train my cats & clip their claws, just in case
4. Get an ashtray for her and a gas mask for me (she smokes - p.u.)
5. Purchase bottled, not box wine, so I can monitor her drinking (woo)
6. Rent a non-smoking car which will reek anyway - the smoking ones must really reek
7. Get bed off the floor, curse IKEA's name
8. Hide prOn
9. Convince local moth population to stop mating in my apartment
10. Furtively do laundry at someone else's house via breaking and entering
11. Hide any pictures of Dad & family
12. Fabricate alibi re: what happened to all those nice things she sent me
13. Purchase cardboard cutouts to pose as decent, upstanding L.A. friends and boyfriend
14. Soundproof apt. in case of any "discussions" or uh...loud "differences of opinion"...warn the local authorities, esp. L.A.P.D., to beware
15. Take meds.

Yep, it'll be fun-!