Thursday, September 29, 2005


As some of you may know, I am a huge fan of Jessica Alba. Meaning that, compared to her, I am huge.

But seriously, this is a very unfortunate picture, despite the fact that the Albass appears to be floating up and out of her pants (this is for you, Dirty Dan. xo.)

And furthermore...

...who farted?

I'm sorry. That was a cheap shot. I am obviously just jealous of her buoyant, floating ass and her enormous dumb bovine eyes and her ripe, firm, yet pliant...nevermind.

Plus, the trailer for her dumbass movie, which promises an "outstanding", stellar performance by Miss Alba - if there were any truth in advertising whatsoever - would say, Coming Soon: another excuse to ogle Jessica Alba half-nekkid.* And this time, UNDERWATER-! Boobies + water = fun!

*she won't do The Full Monty, according to this month's Jane "I'm a Hoor" Magazine, unless it's "artistic". What a crock.

But nnooo.

Avatar and I discussed this vapidness, and she suggested I formulate a theory as to why movies containing the word "blue" seem to suck (blue) balls.

Consider the following:
Blue Crush (2002)
Blue Thunder (1983)
Blue Hawaii (1961)
Blue Juice (1995)
Blue City Slammers (1988)
Attention Shoppers (2000) aka "Blue Light Special" - USA
Blue Suede Shoes: Ballet Rocks! (1997) (TV)
Pokémon (1998) (VG)
aka "Pokemon: Red/Blue Version" - USA (dubbed version)
Pluto's Blue Note (1947)
Wild Orchid II: Two Shades of Blue (1992) aka "Wild Orchid 2: Blue Movie Blue"
Courage of Lassie (1946) aka "Blue Sierra"
"Blue Gender" (1999)
Perché quelle strane gocce di sangue sul corpo di Jennifer? (1972) aka "Erotic Blue"
Lenny Minute 1: Lenny Meets the Giant Blue Sheila Doll (1993)
Ao no hono-o (2003) aka "The Blue Light"
The Blue Iguana (1988)
The Blue Lagoon (1980)
Return to the Blue Lagoon (1991)
"La Blue Girl Live 2: Live Birth of the Demon Child"
The Happy Hooker Goes Hollywood (1980) aka "Hollywood Blue"
Injû gakuen 3: Kunoichi-gari (1996) (V)
aka "La Blue Girl Live Action 3: The Hunt for the Ninja Girls"
La Blue Girl Live 1: Revenge of the Sex Demon King - USA
Into the Blue (1950) - is this shit a remake?!
Zhuo niu zi ku de zhong kui (1991)
aka "The Blue Jean Monster"
Blue Demon contra el poder satánico (1966)
Blue Demon y las seductoras
Blue Demon contra los cerebros infernales (1968) aka "Blue Demon Versus the Infernal Brains"
The Blue Hermaphrodite (1996)
The Blue Peter (1954) (??!!)
Extreme Blue (1995) (TV)
Hillbilly Blue (1995)
Into the Blue: Dolphin Rescue (1991) (TV)
Electric Blue Special: Girls in Uniform 5 (1995) (V)
Jeux pour couples infidèles (1972) aka "Hot and Blue"
Langosta azul, La (1954) aka "The Blue Lobster" - Canada
Electric Blue 43: The Big Bust Issue (1993) (V)
Bayou of the Blue Behemoth (1993) (V)
Cockroach Blue (2003)
Pickaninny Blue (1932)
Poketto monsutaa Ao (1996) (VG)
aka "Pocket Monsters Blue" - Japan (English title)
Riffdancer: Chillout in Deep Blue (2003) (V)
Cerebro de Hitler!, El (2001) aka "Intoxico y Blue Bastard Contra Cerebro de Hitler!, El"
Score More Points Nintendo Blue (1989) (V)
Danish and Blue (1970)
Blue Bathroom (1979)
Tarzan's Jungle Rebellion (1967)
aka "Tarzan and the Blue Stone of Heaven" - USA
Cristo en blue jeans (1970)
Mad Boy, I'll Blow Your Blues Away. Be Mine (1997)

Is it just me, or are most of these either a) All About Ass, or b) just sucktastic in general...? There are, of course, many more I haven't seen.

The only possible exceptions I can think of, personally, are Blue Velvet, and maybe Trois couleurs: Bleu from that snooty French trilogy.



This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?