I have fallen and got a bad booboo. I went down like a ton of brick shithouses, 10,000 tins of Fancy Feast and all.

(I had a coupon.)

Laugh all you want on account of my delicate softball-sized ankle. Now I have sexy elephantiasis* leg. This is what happens when you have the thighs and ass of Godzilla balanced on the ankles of Tinkerbell. Fuck you, "Intelligent" Design.

I will now parade around upstairs with my mouth open like a brain-damaged Pomeranian in my semi-corporate office with my beige ACE bandage (hotness itself), because no one can resist* Sexy Elephantiasis Leg.

You so wish you were me right now. Someone came in here looking for "brush thees monkey."

I never did this stuff when I was a kid. No broken bones, no cavities. Therefore, I must make up for lost time right now. In the past 48 hrs., I have:

-fallen down; went boom
-skinned my petite Clydesdale knee
-said, "I meant to do that" a la Pee Wee Herman
-purchased a weirdo birdie keyboard brush/ballpoint pen thingy my friend has named "One-Legged Mr. Purple".
-stuck its suction cup to my forehead; gave myself a hickie
-been pinched by a boy, and by "boy" I mean a thirtysomething balding guy, and by "guy" I mean Director. WTF?
-barely suppressed the urge to say, "Mooom...HE started it-!"
-started throwing things at people in a retaliatory manner (I never had a baby brudder)
-got beaned in the boob with a peanut, which I picked up and ate off the floor
-I'm sure this is someone's fetish. Sick fuck(s).
-put my hair in pigtails and rode down the street on my widdle red wagon bike
-had some neighbor guy say, "hi, cutie."
-been called "kid" repeatedly by my boss

I'm THIRTY (3-0). IT'S NOT CUTE. If I start snapping bra straps and sucking lollipops, please slap them all away from me. Thank you.

*Note to Self: never do an image search for "elephantiasis".
**Mr. Winkle's mom is kind of hot. Disturbed, yet hot.