Isn't that an oxymoron...?

I got this in the mail. I don't mean to belittle receptionists...I have been one. I sort of am...a somewhat glorified one. Hell, the managing director of one of our facilities still answers the phones.

I just don't think that anyone with this job exclusively should take themselves seriously enough to go around giving a seminar about it.

Okay, so I'd go if my company would shell out the $99. Which it won't. It won't even let us order office supplies right now. But hey, free tampons.*

*I'm sure they just haven't thought of cutting back on those yet. Sssh. Don't give 'em any idears.

At least I have this brochure to laugh and point at and chuckle and snort derisively. Can't nuthin' beat free entertainment. But then, according to Humorless Sandra, I should be FIRED.

Aherm. Some excerpts from said glossy brochure**:

Perfect your telephone skills: learn how to convey a smile over the telephone. They think I'm wasting a smile on a soiled receiver, they got another thing comin'.

Project an image that commands respect HA-! *snort*

...avoid some of the common mistakes that can sabotage your credibility.
I HAVE CREDIBILITY?!?!

Become more than "just a receptionist": expand your role within the company and gain more recognition.
Lisshen, shister...somethin' may be gainin' and expandin' here, but it ain't my role.

You are one of the most important people in your organization. HA, HA! *snort* *snort* That is rich. Almost as rich as a former HR manager of mine was when she said I needed to dress better than anyone else there, when I actually made less than anyone else there, because "you are the face of the company." BWAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! It is to laugh.

Ways to stay fresh, alert, and sincere
I wasn't sincere to begin with, and I have "that not-so-fresh feeling". They're going to help me with feminine hygiene?!

The best ways to greet, interrupt, or transfer people on the telephone
Oh, I think I know how to interrupt. By shouting MOO!, for instance...

Positive phrasing techniques to calm irate callers
Um...please shut up? Bitch...? Or Sir?

(What they should have? Which would actually be useful? Is How to Identify Gender by Voice section, because it is extremely embarrassing when you call a female "Sir" or vice versa.)

How to make sure you always have coverage for breaks, holidays, training, and sick leave
Yeah, right. I can't even get a break to pee. #2's out of the question.

How to deal with people who demand too much, ramble on, are confused, or seem too aggressive
Uh...that would be all of them.

You will also learn how to manage the stress that comes naturally with your hectic schedule (huh?! As my friend Keren says, ME ANWSER FONE-!!!)

**By the way? I am highly offended that they have this listed on their website under Women's Seminars. I know several excellent male losers...I mean, receptionists.

Hmph.