Thursday, September 01, 2005


Bulimics: use this! That was horrible and wrong and bad of me, that. Maybe I should have said, "To Induce Vomiting, in Case of Emergency".

In fact, the reason I haven't posted for the last two days is that I've been busy. Busy retching repeatedly and dry heaving off and on since reading an article called "Playing Footsie" by Bart Blasengame in this month's Details.

Seriously hwarf-inducing. Good journalism, perhaps. It was certainly...uh, thorough.

This is worse than pee, folks. I don't care what you say. I would rather let it fly at some guy any day. Pinky swear.

Actually, not. You will never think of the word "pinky/ies" the same way, nor will you ever again be able to enjoy shrimp, if you read any further. So stop if you hate feet, as I do.

I almost sent the article to a girlfriend who is thinking of throwing her own "foot parties," but I didn't. It would only encourage her to become a toe slut. I guess it's better than being a stripper, but still. It's exploitative, and it teaches women that men are disgusting creatures to be used and manipulated for their money. And these freaks are willing to part with large sums in order to indulge their weird (YES, I said it, weirdoes) kink. One guy gave my girlfriend, who he just met, free reign with his credit card just so she would buy some stripper shoes and send him pictures of her feet in them.


I don't like feet. They are gross. Not all ugly, but gross. I draw the line at a nice foot massage (and wash your hands afterwards); no toe-sucking for me. And yes, I've been told that I have nice feet. High arches. Whatever. One guy didn't try anything smart, but he kind of was...concerned about where my feet were located...during. KnowwhatImean, Vern? And yes, people have attempted that foot-slobbering thing with me before, and all I thought was, "what in the hell is he doing?!" So, no.

But, hell. If you really want to play with my feet, you sick, warped foot-monkey, then gimmie a goddamn pedicure. Get bent. And NONE OF THIS, describing the foot-licker(s) in question:

...jam a ripe, writhing toe in his mouth.

...his tongue squirts between the toes, sucking on the tiny knuckles...saliva trickles down his chin.

They can pick a foot (washed, unwashed, or slightly funky) and stomp, suck, and shrimp to their hearts' content.

...prefers paws that are lived-in and slightly piquant.

The dank, salty funk of feet hangs over it all.


And the worst...

...an Indian man inches toward Nirvana, his face buried in a pair of pink, wrinkly feet as he chants, "Shangri-la."


The article just goes above and beyond...sure, it's responsible journalism. I don't think the reporter tried anything funny at Club Foot (ha). However, I think what he's trying to convey is that these people aren't perverts; they're mainstream. I beg to fucking differ. These guys are sick fucks. Mostly harmless, perhaps, but sick. Witness the following statement by Toe-Suckerfish Ted:

To me the vagina is just a hairy flap of skin. I think the foot is a lot prettier.

Now that just pisses me off. That is not "harmless", that is twisted, stunted, and misogynistic. The writer claims,"if the world's sexual underbelly of scat throwers, piss swallowers, nipple clampers, and pedos were a high school, the foot fetishist would be the kid in the corner picking his nose." But he is not a woman, and I'll bet he has never been ignored for a smelly foot.

At least one of his interviewees strikes back at all this pussy hatred:

If you want to get Freudian abut it, a foot is a phallic symbol: Large. Bony. Always hard. They're really fixating on the two things they don't have in their sex life: a woman and a reliable penis. -Dr. Michael DeMarco

Great. You know the next freak you pick up is going to neglect and ignore your "special place" and make a beeline to sniff your sneakers.

In that case, ladies, please take the opportunity to use your pretty, pretty foot...to kick him. Right in the 'nads.

But be careful...he might like it.


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