I am such a train wreck, all I can do is laugh. Consider the following:

1) I over-donated to The Red Cross in error
2) Someone cleaned out most of my rent $ with my debit card # on shopping sprees to Wal-Mart, which I loathe, and Target
3) Now my rent check may not clear
4) I have to find a notary public just to "prove" I didn't rob myself blind
5) Something bit me in the face while I was sleeping; now I have a sexy red welt on my temple
6) and an attractive zit on my chin, and weird bumpies on my arm (stress over maternal visit?)
7) Plus an ingrown hair; you don't want to know where
8) This morning, I lunged at and ate two rancid blueberries I found in the sink at work
9) I'm having a pissing contest with an upper-level executive and I think I'm winning; he blew his cool and actually flipped me off yesterday. Maybe I'll get shitcanned for this bad behavior, but I will still have WON.
10) An unknown yellowish substance is adhered to my right boob and shirt sleeve
11) Who wrote this? The girl who, when I explained I don't get paid often enough to pay my bills on time, suggested - get this - that I get a Costco card?! I don't think (#4) buying a joke-of-the-day desk calendar and downloading a new screen saver is going to help any more than her "solution" would.
12) My leftover lunch leaked all over my bag and now I smell like clam linguini
13) My cat has a hairball for a brain.

In the meantime, there are a whole buttload of people with much worse problems, so I'll continue to consume this discarded blueberry muffin remnant while feeling sorry for myself. Later, I can watch the season premiere of The O.C., eat elderly goat cheese pizza from Trader Joe's, and cry while fondling myself.

Life is good.