Saturday, October 22, 2005


I just read an online article that, while hilarious, hits a little too close to the home. I can only hope it is intended as a parody, like The Onion or Poopycaca.com, but somehow, I suspect it's not too far from the truth. People are just that stupid. (Oh, wait...it says "Right Wing News" - this explains everything!)


Let me explain myself.

1) Someone at work compared me to a Tasmanian Devil, I suspect because he wants to drag me into a burrow, kicking and screaming, by the scruff of my neck, where he intends to mate with me for hours at a time, for three days, thrusting his sperm into me every 20 mins. until I give birth to 20 or 30 embryos which will follow a trail of Reese's Pieces into my pouch...ahem.

How nice-!

2) I used to work for a wildlife refuge, where we dealt with rescues from asshole exotic animal owners all the time (including Baylor University, which unceremoniously - and with no supporting donation - dumps a new beer-swilling bear every time their "mascot" gets too large/ferocious/alcoholic/old; and some insanely evil prick who thought it would be "cute" to have a jaguar cub to go with his Jaguar car, until she, being a wild (translation: WILD) animal, decided to tear up his interior leather seating. At which point, he hit her over the head with a lead pipe, crushing her sinus cavities, and deposited her with us to live out her sad, very un-wild life with severe breathing difficulties.

So I think we've established THAT I HATE THESE FUCKING ASSHOLES who keep wild animals as pets in some twisted quest to transform their failing, withered egos & sex organs into jungle beasts. I suspect they do this because these wild and wondrous creatures make them feel "special" by proxy when in reality THERE IS NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT THEM AT ALL. This never ends well. Plus I will fucking kill them. Someday...sigh.

In the meantime, please enjoy John T. Hawkin's (hopefully mostly fictitious) article on Tasmanian Devils. Like myself, they are apparently the IDEAL pets-! Except for the following:

*they can bite through steel "if startled" and "have jaws so powerful, they could crush an elephant's skull like a coconut in a vise"
*they will leave a slimy, greasy green trail of "ooklaboocha" all over everything
*they hate water and baths
*they will go into a psychotic, Gremlin-like rage if exposed to water, bright light, or fed after midnight
*if they do get wet, they break out in "huge, festering green rashes" that "take months to heal"
*They may become "confused" and run in circles endlessly and smash into walls at full speed
*They will eat garbage (good)
*They will eat corpses (bad)
*They will eat your brat sister (good) and also your grandmother (bad) and your cat, dog, iguana, elephant, unborn child, etc.
*They may be "startled" by anything such as "turning on a tv, flipping on a light switch, talking, standing up, children's laughter, or looking at them."

You fucking exotic "pet" owners all deserve what you have coming to you. I mean, how many squirrels do you have to have chewing off the buttons on your remote control before you finally see the light?! George Bush, Jr. sure left ooklaboocha all over everything, and you people still love him-! DO YOU IGNORANT DUMBFUCKS NEVER LEARN?! Apparently not-!

I hope you all die horrific, mangled deaths, covered in ooklaboocha. But please, do not take these beautiful, innocent creatures with you out of your warped sense of wonderment.

YOU DIE NOW. Ooklaboocha. I mean it-! Don't make me take off my belt.


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