Thursday, December 15, 2005


Now that I've spent a considerable amount of time shopping for holiday poo for people who are suddenly not coming to Xmas, much to my mother and grandmother's dismay (they already bought a buttload of food and etc.), I'm a little over it.

Also? I am not even a Christian, so what the hell.

In light of all that, and the current push towards non-denominationalism, I would like to propose altering the names of the following "festive" holiday carols accordingly:

"Silver Bells" = Sister Hell
"We Wish You A Merry Christmas" = We Wish You Would Go Somewhere Else.
"Away in a Manger" = Where is My Wallet?
"Have a Holly, Jolly Christmas" = Self-Medicating With Food and Liquor
"Angels We Have Heard on High" = Here Comes Your New White Coat.
"O Come, O Come, Emmanuel" = Manuel Goes to the Company Christmas Party.
"O Tannenbaum" = Her Tan is Fake.
"In Dulci Jubilo" = Good Night, Julio.
"It Came Upon A Midnight Clear" = RU486
"What Child Is This?" = Oopsie.
"I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" = Adultery Time
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" = Perverted, Drunk Uncle Bill
"Do They Know It's Christmas?" = We Are Not Aware of More than One World Religion.
"All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth" = Redneck Christmas
"Ding Dong Merrily on High" = Drop Your Dong on Heather's Head, For She is Drunk.
"Babes in Toyland" = A Hooker for Xmas
"I Wonder As I Wander" = Where's the Designated Driver?
"Here We Come a-Wassailling" = We've Got to Whiz.
"While Shepherds Watched their Flocks by Night" = WTF?
"Do You Hear What I Hear?" = Is Something on Fire?
"We Three Kings Of Orient Are" = The Chinese Food is Here.
"The Little Drummer Boy" = What Kind of a Sadistic Bastard Would Give a Percussion Instrument to a Small Child?
"Last Christmas" = Guess What? I Am Gay.
"Deck the Halls" = Don't Punch the Wall
"Carol of the Bells" = Festival of Smells
"Jingle Bell Rock" = Single Hell Crock
"Silent Night" = Silent Fart

Fun, food, and overextending of ourselves and our wallets, then getting severely annoyed. The true meaning of the holidays.

I think we can all agree on that.


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