Thursday, December 29, 2005


Nothing much going on over here. Work has slowed to a half-hearted trickle, so I thought it was safe to come in all decked out in my fat pants with the bent pocket flaps on the ass which make it look like my butt can fly, ill-fitting Disneyland reject t-shirt, no makeup, and my favorite retarded lesbian clodhoppers, and wouldn't you know it - the ONE attractive person in the building decides to show up, after all.


Otherwise, I'm still trying to detox from the eternal douchebaggery that is The Family Experience.

I have a perfectly nice family, actually. Except for the killings.

Other than that, I am tying up loose ends, such as:

1) Trying to get Stupid (foster) Kitty back from being boarded at a chihuahua rescue (don't ask.) Yes, my second job is pussy farming. What's it to you.
2) Getting refills on the neighbor's cat's eye medication, which she let run out. By the way, my "incentive" for this, since she's never around to take care of my cats, is the use of her car, except a) she needs an oil change, and b) she "forgot" to leave me the keys. Plus the feline is a cat asshole. Periodically, he bites me out of nowhere just for not being his mom.
3) Trying to manage my mom and grandma's feral cat colonies. Cranky's mom gave me a page-a-day cat calendar. I even can't look at it. I have nightmares about kittens.
4) Feeling overwhelmed with my mom's situation. Haterading my dad.
5) Looking for a hippie cure for arthritis.
6) Trying to explain to Mom the concept of unlimited mobile-to-mobile minutes and general cell phone usage, which she's not quite grasping. It's cute.
7) Fighting with Cingular about not being able to change her number to a TX area code while retaining her on my family plan. FAMILIES CAN LIVE IN DIFFERENT STATES, ASSHOLES.
8) Buying embarrassing iTunes.
9) Contemplating decorating anyone's office who is still on vacation with pink Hello, Kitty streamers regardless of age, gender, or sexual orientation. Then eating their holiday gifts which keep arriving, anyway.
10) Ignoring my burgeoning belly and consuming my mom's brownies in the bathtub in a depressed manner.
11) Reading a book about being the fat chick and plotting violent retaliation on the next person who pokes me in the belly like The Pillsbury Doughboy (DIE.)
12) Bidding on a crystal butter dish on Ebay because my grandmother wants one for some unknown reason. Christ, but some of them are ugly. It looks like the Queen shat on a UFO or something.

Now try to beat that for uninterestingness. Go on, I dare you fudgesniffers.


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