On Monday, I will resume with the airing of my soiled underpants, but first I want to know what you people traditionally eat for Christmas/New Year's. I don't think Hannukah/Kwanzaa varies that much...oily latkes/fried chicken and watermelon, right...?

*POW*! ...I deserved that lynching.

But really, what do you eat? On Christmas, my family enjoys Mexican food. You know, because we are white as driven snow, only somewhat soiled by the underlying dirt and dog pee of our ethnicity, which is none, that I know of. At least I'm half (more like three-fourths) Jewish, otherwise I would have no chin or other facial features. Some of my cousins look like Bobby Hill. But because we were whelped, puppy-like, in South Texas, we have enchiladas, tamales, and beans for Christmas. And also shrimp, but we have that for every holiday (our cholesterol is through the roof), but we have to hide some of it from the ravenous Bobby Hill Bros., or no one else will get any - including Blowhard Uncle Scott, who complains every year that it tastes "fishy" while simultaneously shoveling it into his mouth with a forklift.

IF IT TASTES FISHY, WHY ARE YOU EATING IT THEN, B.U.S.?! NO ONE IS TWISTING YOUR ARM. Besides, your family's contribution to this meal was an anemic-looking plate of crudités (or "green thangs", as you call them) or, maybe if you are feeling posh that year, some deviled eggs. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP. I SUPPOSE NEXT YEAR, YOU ARE GOING TO COMPLAIN THAT THE SHRIMP TASTES TOO SHRIMPY...?!

Fucking windbag.

Aherm.

Then my uncle Bob jumps on me 'cuz I don't eat beef every day, for every meal. And he has the gut and colon to prove it. Nice. They aren't even kidding on "King of the Hill", folks. But back to the food.

The tamales we have to stand in line for, and take a number (they get very busy at Christmas!) and when you come out of the tamale shop, you smell like a freaking tamale, and six short, but virile, Mexican men named Paco follow you home and attempt to impregnate you. All in all, not a bad deal.

I have heard of other families who, as befitting their heritage and/or regional specialty, have raclette or curry or even sushi, or pizza or lasagna for Christmas, and I am exceedingly jealous. Who needs all the hoo-ha with the Tofurkey and the real, dead bird and the giblets (fancy-talk for "guts") and the stuffing, which you probably just hauled out for Thanksgiving, anyway? (Besides, Italian food is already decorated festively in red and green, and is not so likely to cause flatulence.)

Then, on New Year's Eve (for good luck, I think), we eat blackeyed peas, but they are a bit crunchy...especially Fergie.

С Новым годом!
Er...Happy New Year...!?

TRADITION...!