Friday, December 02, 2005


Things I really want to do right now, but cannot should I wish to remain employed:

1) Go to Frahnce. Demolish their national cuisine with my face. Punch a smoker. Smoke a puncher.

2) Greet a certain celebrity guest by wearing those green, glittery boing-boing antennae things on my head and hopping up + down while gulping prescription meds, shouting "Hail, Xenu!" and "I'm queer for your ex-wife!" and complaining about my post-partum depression. Then, I'd hurry up and put plastic couch covers on all the furniture with one hand while reading The History of Psychiatry with the other.

3) Oops, I said too much.

4) Bite my boss in the leg.

4) Bite my other boss in the crotch (gently), because he is nice.

5) Yank out my soiled jam stick, and, using it like a felt-tip marker, scrawl a bloody cross on my forehead. Run up and down the halls in a futile attempt to expel my uterus while tearing at my hair and screaming, "I'M BLEEDING FROM MY VAGINA-!"

As I have said, I will be doing absolutely, positively, NONE OF THESE THINGS.

Dammit, Beavis.

Now, where's that Lotto ticket...?


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