Friday, January 20, 2006
THE COW GOES MOO. THE GRANDPA GOES, WHO ARE YOU?!
Oh, what an enchanting week I have had: four gatos con herpes, multiple trips to the vet, 30 mins. just to force-feed a tablespoon of Moist 'n Meaty to the elder and sicker of the cats, and now I smell like fish oil.
Whatever hits the fan, for me, likes to do it in January. Ides of March? Neh. Ides of FART = January.
Unfortunately, the cats aren't the only ones who are sick. This time last year, my Grandpa R. was in the hospital. This year, my coverage at work just got back from a leave of absence in the hospital for a hysterectomy. Then, HysterSyster came back, but my cats ought to be in the hospital, and now my other grandpa is in the hospital, and pretty soon I am going to be in a hospital...for loonies.
What am I going to do with my sad bitch ass...?
I'm now at least 30 mins. late to work these days, reeking of tuna Friskies®, so my tardy hind end has enough problems. But I'm afraid my mom will be hurt if I don't go to Texas to see Grandpa in the hospital, especially since I spent all that time in the hospital with my other grandpa.
Hopefully, she sees the logic in this. If not, I have compiled this explanatory list.
TOP 10 REASONS WHY I DON'T GIVE EQUAL HOSPITAL TIME TO POOR GRANDPA H. ORVILLE ("YES, THAT'S HIS REAL NAME") F.
(OTHERWISE KNOWN AS "COTTON" "PNEUMONY" "CLEANUP ON AISLE 2"):
1) Grandpa R. had nasty, chemical pneumonia, and had already had open-heart surgery; Grandpa H. has, that we know of, pneumonia, congestive heart failure, and a mild heart attack at some indeterminate point in the past that he didn't even notice. ¿Quién es más enfermo?
2) Grandpa Rube only has 8-10 family members, most of whom are decrepit or in-laws or too young to give a sh*t (let alone a visit). Sometimes, I was the only one able to stay with him in the hospital as everybody else had exhausted their time off work. Grandpa F. has 20+ potential visitors/family members, including "too many damn grandkids."-Grandma F. Grandpa R. has just me and my on-again, off-again (she's teenagering) sister.
3) Grandpa R's family is mostly out-of-town; Grandpa F's are almost all local.
4) Grandma R. is housebound, but fretted over the love of her life while he was in the hospital. Grandma F., in typical Texas fashion, went to get her hair done.
5) Grandpa R. has money for a will. Grandpa F., not so much.
6) I'm totally kidding. Reallly. I don't want your dead grandpa blood money-!
7) Grandpa R. is still sharp as a tack. Grandpa F. has no idea what is going on. If I were to go visit, he wouldn't even know I was there. Who's that?!, he'd say, grabbing a fistful of my hair. On a good day, he thinks my name is Beth.
a. I don't want Beth getting credit for my visit.
b. Who's Beth...?
8) Grandpa R. likes to read and talk and watch TV. Grandpa F. doesn't say much other than, "I can't SEE!," enjoys sleeping, going "hrrrrgggACK!", and on occasion even makes it to the john in time. Sometimes, he thinks the bathroom is in the closet. Whoops.
9) Grandpa R. stays fully clothed at all times. Grandpa F. sometimes high-tails it out of the house to greet the mailman in nothing but his slippers, socks, and a newsboy cap. Grandpa F. has to be restrained or he may get up, goose the nurses, and shuffle right out of the hospital in order to attend a reserve meeting he hasn't had for 20+ yrs. With diarrhea.
10) Grandpa R. slips and falls; Grandpa F. slips and falls...in his own poo.
And no, the paramedic will not help you clean it (or him) up.
Ouch. We'll see what develops with The Grandpoo (-my friend Carole).
Let's just hope the hospital keeps their closet doors locked.
Whatever hits the fan, for me, likes to do it in January. Ides of March? Neh. Ides of FART = January.
Unfortunately, the cats aren't the only ones who are sick. This time last year, my Grandpa R. was in the hospital. This year, my coverage at work just got back from a leave of absence in the hospital for a hysterectomy. Then, HysterSyster came back, but my cats ought to be in the hospital, and now my other grandpa is in the hospital, and pretty soon I am going to be in a hospital...for loonies.
What am I going to do with my sad bitch ass...?
I'm now at least 30 mins. late to work these days, reeking of tuna Friskies®, so my tardy hind end has enough problems. But I'm afraid my mom will be hurt if I don't go to Texas to see Grandpa in the hospital, especially since I spent all that time in the hospital with my other grandpa.
Hopefully, she sees the logic in this. If not, I have compiled this explanatory list.
(OTHERWISE KNOWN AS "COTTON" "PNEUMONY" "CLEANUP ON AISLE 2"):
1) Grandpa R. had nasty, chemical pneumonia, and had already had open-heart surgery; Grandpa H. has, that we know of, pneumonia, congestive heart failure, and a mild heart attack at some indeterminate point in the past that he didn't even notice. ¿Quién es más enfermo?
2) Grandpa Rube only has 8-10 family members, most of whom are decrepit or in-laws or too young to give a sh*t (let alone a visit). Sometimes, I was the only one able to stay with him in the hospital as everybody else had exhausted their time off work. Grandpa F. has 20+ potential visitors/family members, including "too many damn grandkids."-Grandma F. Grandpa R. has just me and my on-again, off-again (she's teenagering) sister.
3) Grandpa R's family is mostly out-of-town; Grandpa F's are almost all local.
4) Grandma R. is housebound, but fretted over the love of her life while he was in the hospital. Grandma F., in typical Texas fashion, went to get her hair done.
5) Grandpa R. has money for a will. Grandpa F., not so much.
6) I'm totally kidding. Reallly. I don't want your dead grandpa blood money-!
7) Grandpa R. is still sharp as a tack. Grandpa F. has no idea what is going on. If I were to go visit, he wouldn't even know I was there. Who's that?!, he'd say, grabbing a fistful of my hair. On a good day, he thinks my name is Beth.
a. I don't want Beth getting credit for my visit.
b. Who's Beth...?
8) Grandpa R. likes to read and talk and watch TV. Grandpa F. doesn't say much other than, "I can't SEE!," enjoys sleeping, going "hrrrrgggACK!", and on occasion even makes it to the john in time. Sometimes, he thinks the bathroom is in the closet. Whoops.
9) Grandpa R. stays fully clothed at all times. Grandpa F. sometimes high-tails it out of the house to greet the mailman in nothing but his slippers, socks, and a newsboy cap. Grandpa F. has to be restrained or he may get up, goose the nurses, and shuffle right out of the hospital in order to attend a reserve meeting he hasn't had for 20+ yrs. With diarrhea.
10) Grandpa R. slips and falls; Grandpa F. slips and falls...in his own poo.
And no, the paramedic will not help you clean it (or him) up.
Ouch. We'll see what develops with The Grandpoo (-my friend Carole).
Let's just hope the hospital keeps their closet doors locked.
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