You people disgust me.

Raise your hand if you have the day off.

Now, raise your hand if you are out celebrating the life of Martin Luther King, Jr.

You can't, can you. That's because first, you would have to take it off your genitals.

I know what you've been up to. You've been busy little beavers and woodchucks. YOU'VE BEEN SELF-ABUSING, HAVEN'T YOU. Don't lie to me. The truth is in my site meter. I know that just today, you were trolling for:

-women eating Tampax
-pantsed camel toe
-about donkey penes
-Nicole+ helicopter+ stunt+ horse+ intestine+ Fear+ Factor
-Asian earwax scooper
-farting cum videos
-boy cock girl cock e-i-e-i-o

Don't deny it.

Actually, I am not all that bitter about not having the day off, considering we get the day after Thanksgiving, instead. No, that doesn't mean I don't like black people. It's just that in the race between turkey and political correctness, turkey always wins out. Sorry. I'm a little food-centric.

What really chafes my crotchial area is when the company lets some, but not all, of its employees go home early prior to a holiday. This means that some are getting paid to do God-knows-what while others, usually myself and a few more lowly unfortunates, are stuck swatting away like sucker chimp-chumps. Meanwhile, our co-workers could very well be, and probably are:

-pulling their pud(s)
-screwing the pooch
-spelunking with sperm
-pegging their boyfriend(s) whilst wearing a cockskin robe
-contemplating their navels
-slinging goulash
-suffering succotash
-rationing ratatouille
-changing their ballcocks
-flogging their flanges
-petting their Pulis
-sweeping their chimneys
-flensing their spleens
-utilizing their hoof picks
-administering enemas to evil spawn
-poufing their Standard poodles

...and getting paid for it.

So I queef vexedly in the general direction of all you holiday wankers.

I hope your squandered spooge fossilizes your hard drives and your keyboards crust over.