Tuesday, January 03, 2006


She's a loser, baby. So why don't I kill her...?

I am utterly, utterly awed by the EXTREME! douchebaggery I have experienced as of this, only the third day of the new year. I don't know if I'm up for 2006, folks:

1) My neighbor chick whose cat I'm taking care of is, as one of you said, I think, a major douche. Evidence:
a) She let her cat's prescription run out for me to refill to the tune of $50 out-of-pocket that I do not fucking have.
b) Her cat is an asshole and bites me and yet she expects me to trim his claws
c) She is somehow never around to take care of my cats; I wouldn't trust her, anyway
d) My incentive for this b.s.? She left me the car "to use", but not the car keys. By the way? Last time she did this, I got a minor glitch fixed, her oil changed, and refilled more cat meds, all of which she seemed to expect and none of which she paid me back for.
e) She also expects to be picked up from the airport tonight, and...you guessed it...left no fucking gas in the fucking car. I'm giving her $2, that's it - and saying, "by the way, you're out of gas, and you owe me $50 fucking dollars" when I pick her up. I am neither her mommy nor her boyfriend, and now I'm the douche if I continue to allow her to use me as her toilet/doormat.

2) Please tell me I did not. DID NOT see that H&R Block commercial, theme: "Oopsie," what with the baby's diaper being changed and the fucking STREAM OF URINE spewing through the shot. Please, in the name of all that is holy! Make this only a bad dream I had last night.
a) Okay, I realize that hopefully, no actual urine was used or harmed in the production of this commercial. Still, the mechanics of producing said stream are fucking absurd. I'm glad I wasn't that P.A. "Okay, Sally, SQUEEZE THE SQUIRT BOTTLE...in 5, 4, 3, 2...*splurt*...nice shot, Einstein! You hit the principal-! Hair...makeup!...going AGAIN in 5, 4, pee, 2..."
b) While urine and taxes are not totally unrelated, isn't this somewhat...I don't know. Unprofessional? Do they really want us to associate streams of urine with H&R Block? If so, why not poo...? You know it's coming, folks. Brace yourselves, bridies.
c) When did it become socially acceptable to show actual (real or simulated) streams of urine on television? I remember seeing a still photo of one on a Barbie box, being squeezed out of Barbie's plastic cat, into Barbie's plastic cat's plastic cat box, but this is ridiculous. Aren't the slews of (really more relevant) diaper commercials, which allude to pee (uh-oh...) but never actually show it, bad enough...?

3) While innocently shopping for a gift for my...cousin's bawling brat, whatever the fuck that is, once removed...I saw these. Again, for the love of all that is holy, let this not be real. I was just starting to sleep through the night without nightmares of clowns and babies, and now they're back with a vengeance.

Lord, get us through this year without needing a partial or full frontal lobotomy. Cheese and crackers. What an effed-up world we live in.


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